Well, this season of The Bachelor is almost over. It started out strong but then it kind of petered out down the home stretch. Turns out the our boy Nick Viall isn’t the engaging television personality we all thought he was. I don’t think we should make decisions based on a few weeks on a remote beach in Mexico, but that’s just me. I for one, don’t make great choices when I’m dehydrated.
Now Nick did seem to be a good pick for the show and it remains incredibly true that he was a much preferred pick to Luke, who would have rivaled only Farmer Chris in terms of the usage rate of monosyllabic words. Nick came off like a reformed dude on Bachelor in Paradise, a reformed dude we could all get behind. He seemed to have learned from his mistakes, learned from his creepy turns in previous runs on The Bachelorette and sure, maybe he couldn’t necessarily talk all that well and it is true that he doesn’t enunciate in a way that makes his words particularly easy to understand, but if he showed anything this past summer, it’s that he was someone we could root for. Choosing Nick to be the Bachelor seemed like a slam dunk by ABC.
Plot twist though, Nick Viall is still Nick Viall. Much like our President, a 70 year old man, isn’t going to suddenly change overnight, a dude in his 30’s blessed overnight with a few choice nuggets of fame, isn’t going to reverse course and back pedal towards basic human decency. Nick said all the right things in Mexico, but that was but a snippet of time. He was a role player, able to dip in and out, pick his spots as he so desired. It was the perfect spot for him to enact his plan to rehab up his image and come out in better shape than we he first strolled down those steps and into Paradise’s welcome arms. The problem was that he needed to follow that move up with less spotlight, not more. More spotlight only allowed his warts to show and grow. I’m not saying Nick is a bad dude. I don’t think he is. I think he is genuinely confused about what he wants in life right now and trying to figure that out in front of the watchful eye of a massive television audience isn’t the best play.
The end result was a season of The Bachelor that felt like two shows in one. On the one hand was the show that featured a mature, sage-like Nick Viall looking for a wife. The second show was about a D List celebrity enjoying the perks of fame and gallivanting around the country side with adoring fans. It was confusing and it muddied the waters some. The split personality the show found itself experiencing falsely made Corinne a villain and instilled our fake confidence in a woman like Danielle L., who everyone (including Danielle L.) thought was going to make it to at least the final three.
Somehow out of all of this Raven is likely to make it to the top two because ABC wouldn’t be that stupid and that eager to avoid spoilers by having the final choice come between Vanessa and Rachel (aka the next Bachelorette.) There is nothing wrong with Raven. It’s just, well, kind of surprising that she has lasted as long she has. I also think this kind of dark horse run has been overshadowed by the Rachel announcement and the Corinne departure. More room to breath and this would be the dominant story line as we come into the fantasy suites and the final episode.
Yet before we get to either one of those things, we have the ‘Women Tell All,’ a chance for the ladytestants to stroll back into our lives before we see at least 35% of them this summer on Bachelor in Paradise. Unfortunately the ‘Women Tell All’ isn’t as much fun as it used to be and that’s because it’s fallen into a stale pattern. The pattern is so established that I think I can take a moment to lay out a handful of things that will most likely happen Monday night.
The Gang-Up on Corinne
This one is bound to happen. And I thought this before I saw any previews for the episode. In the absence of a true villain Corinne became this season’s villain and it’s then natural that the episode will devote a large chunk of time to a round robin airing of the grievances the likes of which we haven’t seen since last Festivus. Corinne will be called out for this, called out for that. She’ll be slut-shamed to varying degrees and made to feel bad for making the women feel bad. The result will be our second item on this list.
We End Up Feeling Sorry for Corinne
So Chris Harrison will call attention to the villain, in this case, Corinne, and the deluge of attacks will begin. They’ll start off slow, harmless at first, before picking up speed and intensity. Corinne will try and defend herself, but at times will struggle to get a word in. Then we will round a corner and Corinne will start to break down. This is in no way an indictment on Corinne or shot across the bow at her maturity. Villains get attacked in such a merciless way on these ‘Women Tell All’ episodes that it’s natural to expect the villain to eventually break down. And when that happens, we turn. We go from agreeing with the attackers to sympathizing with the attacked. Corinne will win us over with her tearful admissions that she was doing it all for love; she really loved Nick. She’ll talk about feeling left out and picked on and she’s really sorry about everything; she wishes everything could have been different but in the end, she is who she is and who she is a titan of industry in the high stakes world of garage floors who doesn’t give a flying (expletive deleted.)
Taylor Will Get Roasted for Her Treatment of Corinne
Remember Taylor? She’s the reason why you were so hungover after agreeing to take a drink every time Taylor said “emotional intelligence” during the episode in Wisconsin. I’d like to think that we all kind of turned on Taylor during that time period and I can’t see her redeeming herself Monday night. If anything, I can see her digging in more and it ending up terribly. See you in Paradise, Taylor. It’s a great place to rehab your image. Just ask Nick.
A Couple of Who’s That Ladies Try to Make a Name for Themselves
Ugh. This one is just plain annoying. Fun fact about people who go on either The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, they want to be on television. I know, shocking, right? And you thought they were all in it for love. Well if you came into this hoping to score some air time and come away with a lucrative endorsement gig where you pimp juice and face cleanses on Instagram, but saw those dreams dashed by an early dismal, this is your time to shine.
I’m looking at you…this person.
And you too…lady.
Oh wait, that’s Danielle L.! Speaking of her…
Danielle Will Talk About Her Inability to Read Body Language
Danielle was sent home after telling Nick she loved him. Nick responded by…by…by…uh…just looking at her with dead Wisconsin cheese eyes. It was really hard to watch. We learned two things. The first was that Nick can’t fake it. When he’s out, he’s out. We also learned that Danielle most likely couldn’t tell he was out. Maybe because she’s never experienced that before? It’s possible. Either way, everyone take a drink when Chris Harrison asks her how she couldn’t tell Nick wasn’t feeling it on their date.
The Other Danielle Will Get Some Couch Time
Couch Time is reserved for the heavy-hitters of the seasons, the ones who really made an impression on us. Danielle M. definitely made an impression on us and then she really did when she dropped the dead fiance bomb. I like Danielle M. I maintain that she’d be a delight to grab coffee with. I also maintain that she wasn’t really well suited to be on television. It’s cool Danielle. Not everyone is. Just look at Nick.
Jasmine Will Be Asked About Her Penchant for Playful Choking
She’ll laugh it off. She has to laugh it off. Please laugh it off. Please then just change the subject to the Warriors’ title hopes with the Kevin Durant injury. Please. Please make a joke about Alexis thinking she was a dolphin when she was a shark and we can all move on.
Speaking of which…
Alexis Will Stick to Her Story. She Was A Dolphin.
I mean, it wasn’t. But hey, that’s where the love affair between Alexis and America started, so we’ll always have that.
I think we’ll just end there.
Besides, it’s a shark costume. Specifically, it’s this shark costume. But whatever. This season is almost over and I think that’s for the best.