Well, before we get into this whole Jon Snow thing, let’s first…
Screw it. That’s the only place to start. Starting anywhere else in Westeros, Essos or literally anywhere else in this world or that world would be downright foolish. So let’s get going on this week’s power rankings.
Giddy Up America’s Game of Thrones’ Power Rankings: Week Two
1. The Night (‘s watch) is Dark and Full of Assholes
Maybe it wasn’t totally surprising that our dearly departed Lord Commander was brought back to life, but it was at least kind of surprising that it happened so fast. And I thank Game of Thrones for that. The various stages of grief when it came to Jon Snow being murdered was:
- More acceptance
- Slight nervousness (that it the Resurrection would be drawn out too long)
- More anticipation
Starting about a day after the season five finale, the general feeling was that Jon would be back. If you’re sitting around, crowing on about how dude, I called it, then pipe down, amigo. We all called it. Did that cheapen it, though? I don’t think so. Would prolonging his return make Jon’s death have a greater impact? Maybe. But are we happy he’s back? You bet. Jon Snow has gone from emo bastard to swash-buckling savior and the reason why his death was so jarring was that all signs had started to point towards him having a major role in the final throw down with the White Walkers because remember, THIS WHOLE THING IS ABOUT THE WHITE WALKERS. Killing him muddied the waters some, but then we all remembered Melisandre rolled back into Castle Black and her fire god has the ability to bring people back to life. We literally had 1 + 1 = Jon Snow is back. But props to Davos for holding it down and I’m still anxious to see Jon and Davos work together. Jon needs strong council, something Sam could never fully provide. Jon will also have a newly empowered Melisandre – although is that a good thing? It’s not like she was awesome for Stannis. Eh, I think she’ll be kept in check by Davos.
As for everything else cracking up at Castle Black, that dude who kind of looks like that dude from Trainspotting returned with the Wildlings, who were understandably pissed that those ass hats in black killed their Messiah. Yes, Messiah. Let’s be honest with ourselves and admit that the Jon Resurrection scene was a tad bit Jesusy. Either way, the men of the Night’s Watch talk a big game until a giant plows through their doors. They put down their weapons pretty damn quickly. Now Ser Allister and that Little Shit Ollie are headed to the Brig or something and just like that, all is right up at Castle Black. Except for the White Walkers. And the cold. And the White Walkers. And the kind of weird feeling you get when you see your buddy, who recently was murdered, come walking down the stairs in just a loin cloth.
But besides that, all good!
2. The Leftovers (specifically Danys’ leftovers)
The remaining members of #teamdanys left in Meereen decided to have a quick pow wow to discuss this never-ending problem of dudes in gold masks effin’ up their ish. Tyrion’s plan is to let the dogs out, and by dogs we mean the two remaining dragons holed up in a basement somewhere. Bold move, but it definitely seems like a smart one. They might as well play the best card(s) they have and those two dragons are mother fucking aces. And as an added bonus, they kind of liked Tyrion. They didn’t kill him, so they at least like him better than rams. Of course there is a fan theory floating out there that Tyrion isn’t so much of a Lannister as he is a Targaryen and that being the case, makes his relationship with dragons a natural one. I’m not sure I’m on board with that theory, but it did sort of seem that maybe that could be the case.
Either way, it’s just nice having Tyrion back in control.
3a. Keeping Up with the Lannisters
3b. Uh, Ramsey? We Need to Talk. You’re Scaring the Children
3c. The Iron Islands: Not Much of a Vacation Destination
In the aftermath of this week’s episode, the two things that were the most talked about involved Jon Snow and Tyrion. That’s fair. Both played pretty big parts in the episode. But I for one think that these three plots could be as important. This is Game of Thrones after all. The people on the margins aren’t bench players for long and I think that eventually at least one of these plots will find it’s way into the starting lineup.
In King’s Landing King Tom Tom embraced the dark side, returning to Cersei’s bosom for advice. Was she pleased about this? Shit man, does Ser Robert Strong feel very strongly about public urination?
Also, Jaime faced off with the High Sparrow and his league of Bernie voters, the poor and disenfranchised of Westeros. They don’t want to just break up the banks, but break some limbs in the process – specifically those of the hoity upper class. With King Tom Tom back under Cersei’s wing, we might finally see someone stand up to the Faith Militant, which would be especially dope if they take down this lady.
And yeah, Ramsey killed his dad. And then his step mom. And little baby bro. Why? Because Ramsey is an effin’ psycho path. Ramsey is obviously aiming to take control of the north and will most likely be stepping into the ring with Jon Snow 2.0 at some point, especially once Sansa gets to Castle Black and starts telling Jon all the things he did to her. Jon will respond in anger…provided he remembers who Sansa is.
Finally, Balon Greyjoy, Theon’s pops and the grumpy neighbor of Westeros, was heaved to his death by his brother. This puts control of the absolutely lovely Iron Islands up for grabs. God, who wouldn’t want that gig? Fish for every meal, effin’ rope bridges connecting the shitter with your bathroom, an endless supply of gray clothes and all the rain you could ever ask for. Whew. That could be a more harshly contested contest than the current one happening now for the Republican nomination for President. But does it matter? Well, the Greyjoys are raging assholes. I have to think they’ll be someone’s problem at some point. You know, just like Trump will be.
4. Hey, it’s Bran! And Holy Shit is He Tall Now!
Yes sir, our little Bran Flake is back. He’s not so little anymore, but he’s still our blurry eyed wanderer. Apparently since we last saw him his study abroad underneath the Kebbler Elves’ tree has been fruitful and educational. Essentially he’s going on A Christmas Carol like day trips now, little jaunts into the past to sunnier and happier days in Winterfell. This week he watched as his pops learned to fight back when he was a boy and we caught our first glimpse of Lyanna Stark, Ned’s sister, whose abduction is kind of a big deal. We were promised flash backs and it looks like Bran Muffin is going to be our guide.
5. How Sansa Got Her Groove Back
Sansa’s crew suffered it’s first defection this week, but it’s only Theon. He’s going home to the Iron Islands because of course you’d go back to such a fantastical place. On the plus side, Sansa learned that Arya is/was alive. So if you’re keeping score, Sansa had thought most of her siblings were dead. But now she knows that Theon didn’t kill Bran and Rickon and Arya is out there somewhere, dressing up like a dude. And this all makes us wonder, what happened to Rickon? Is he eight feet tall now too; like Bran? This is a dumb statement, but we’ll either never see Rickon again or we will. I think what’s more important is whether or not he’ll matter if we do.
I bet he does.
He’s a Stark. At this point I think it’s safe to assume all the Starks matter.
6. A Girl Must Get Her Act Together
So, seems like at least part of Arya’s training is completed, which is cool I guess.