The Night is Dark and Full of Dudes in Bird Masks

true-detective-s2-starsTrue Detective’s highly anticipated season season is now three episodes old. Whether or not the show is good or not probably depends on the person- crazy, huh? But for instance, my brother-in-law, Fast Eddie, is on board, but that’s largely because he’s a big fan of Noir. He’s also big into teen comedies, so if somehow a love letter intended for the prom queen, written by a nerd with a heart of gold gets lost, I’m not sure Ed would know what to do with himself. Universes are colliding!

But me? I’m not sure what I think about the show so far. I’m not sure if I like it, if I don’t like it. I’m not even sure what the hell is going on with it.

I’m really only sure of one thing- a Giddy Up America Q & A might be the only thing that can help me sort things out.

First things first, what’s going?

Okay, the city manager for the city of Vinci, a lovely little industrialized ‘burb of L.A., was murdered. His eyes were gauged out and his wanger and nibbly bits blown off. This dude, Casper, was involved in some weirdo sex stuff and was murdered by a fella in a bird mask. He also had taken money from Frank, Vince Vaughn’s character, to purchase land that was tied to a new railroad in California. But it looks like Casper pocketed the money, leaving Frank slightly S.O.L.

So the mystery is…?

For now? Who killed Casper?

What’s Frank’s deal?

true-detectiveHe’s a former crime boss looking to go straight. The land deal was his ticket to a life free o’ crime. But now, thanks to that deal falling through, his life is descending back into Crimesville. He’s also kind of a drama queen- wondering out loud to his henchmen if “he’s diminished.” Diminished? Who the hell even says that? I’ll tell you who- annoying theater nerds and probably one of those wackos on the Real Housewives show. Kanye probably says something like that, although that would admit defeat and KANYE WEST DOES NOT ADMIT DEFEAT. But to answer your question Frank, yes, you are diminished.

Did Frank have Casper killed?

No. Or at least I think no. Only because he seems the most eff’d by Casper’s murder.

Can we talk about the detectives on the case? It got confusing quick.

It kind of did. There’s Ray, the token washed up/corrupt/alcoholic cop who is beholden to Frank because 15 some years ago, Ray’s wife was raped and Frank helped Ray find the guy. Frank is simultaneously mining Ray for information on the investigation and helping when he can because as stated previously, no one is more at a loss with Casper dying than Frank. Ray is also getting pressure from the city of Vinci to get things tied up quickly, although we’re not totally sure why. The assumption is that Casper’s death could bring others (besides Frank) down. This includes the mayor who is a drunk, is married to a mail-order bride and has a odd duck son who likes to talk in different accents.

Another cop is Ani.

rachelAni is a tough broad and fond of knives. She seems like the “good guy” on the show. Yet she’s getting pressure from her superiors at the State Police (?) to keep tabs on Ray because literally everyone knows homeboy is a dirty cop. This is going to most likely prove problematic for her because she’s a loyal, good cop and has already developed a kinship with Ray. Might be a bros before hos situation. As for Paul…well the Artist Formerly Known as Tim Riggins is a bike cop for the California Highway Patrol who was suspended for allegedly soliciting a blow job from a gal he pulled over. Yet if Paul can successfully work this case and maybe even get some dirt on Ray in the process, he’ll be reinstated.

I think that covers it.

And Paul is…?

Yeah, Paul is totes gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Well, unless you’re Paul, who seems to have one or two things wrong with it. Dude is suppressing it harder than someone holding back a fart in church. It’s painful to watch.

Which cop dies first?

Paul.

true-detective-taylor-kitschHe’s like the babe in the woods here. I could see him getting got first. It’ll be sad. But let’s be poetic, maybe only in the afterlife will he finally find peace.

Did you think Ray was dead?

I couldn’t decide. Most people don’t recover from two shotgun blasts at close range. And doing surprise killing off of main characters has definitely become a thing on television lately (see: Snow, Jon.) It just didn’t seem likely, though. Probable, but not likely.

How many overhead shots of highways is too many overhead shots of highways?

Five.

How many is True Detective averaging per episode?

I’m not sure. But it’s close to five. Let’s just say that they’re pushing it.

What would you say to someone who says this season isn’t as good as last season?

I’d say chill, Winston. Last season started off slow too. And come on, no one had any clue what the hell Rust Cohle was talking about half the time. Season one didn’t get good until the end of episode four- the now legendary six-minute tracking shot. That was when you sat back and said, Oh, this is some serious shit here.

So then wait until this week to make any decisions?

Yeah. I’d say they need to do something big with episode four to keep people engaged. Something needs to happen. The show needs a Oh shit! moment.

I think that about covers it. Give it another week. Although if you’re already done with the show, I’d suggest checking out Mr. Robot. Actually, even if you’re still on board with True Detective I’d check out Mr. Robot. Coolest pilot I’ve seen in a long time.

Photos: HBO

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