GoT Plot Line Power Rankings: Week Four

what-will-season-5-of-game-of-thrones-hold-for-tyrion-lannister-arya-stark-jon-snow-and-daenerys-targaryen-game-of-thrones-season-5-spoilerHoly smokes. I mean…holy smokes. Now that was an episode. Like, a really flippin’ good episode. I don’t even know where to begin, I don’t even know how I can rank everything that happened during “Sons of the Harpy.”

Let’s start here…how are you supposed to root for people on Game of Thrones? Let’s look at some of the more complicated characters to cheer on.

Jaime Lannister

Jaime has become a pretty awesome dude. His adventures with Brienne did wonders for his Endearment levels and he got sympathy points for the way his boo/sister Cersei treated him upon returning to King’s Landing.

But…

He did shove Bran out a window. And he did maybe, kind of, sort of rape his sister in the shadow of their dead son.

Currently it looks like Jaime is on a collision course with the Sand Snakes, the illegitimate daughters of Prince Oberyn, who we can all agree, we loved last season. The Snakes are out for vengeance and their to-do list starts with the Lannisters. So in a fight between the Sand Snakes and Jaime, who are we to root for? Or then there’s the fact that Jaime has no love for Tyrion since Tyrion killed his dad and if he were to see him again, “would split him in two.” Understandable, he killed your dad. But from an audience stand point, if that happens, whose side are we on?

Stannis

Kind of curmudgeon, but hey, kind of a good dad. Is dead set on sitting on the Iron Throne; claims it’s his. Sure, why not? In the Battle of Blackwater, we had to choose between the Stannis and Tyrion. I for one sided with Tyrion, but felt dirty about it. You know, because is a Lannister and rooting for the Lannisters is like rooting for the Kardashians- not my bag. Tyrion is awesome, though. So that trumped the Lannister connection. If Stannis were to return to King’s Landing door step, are we Team Stannis now?

And speaking of Stannis…

Brienne

Brienne is easy to root for, but she threw a wrinkle in things last week when she dropped the bomb that right after saving Sansa, next on her List of Things To Do is kill Stannis to avenge Renly’s death. Understandable. But if Stannis keeps on doing good guy things like being a good dad, defeating the Boltons and kicking the Lannisters out of King’s Landing, how would we feel if then he and Brienne end up in a dark alley together? Brienne isn’t one for shortchanging her vows and pledges. If Brienne goes for Stannis are we cool with that?

It’s very complicated. I’m not even going to get into Littlefinger and whether or not we should be rooting for him. Too much. Sometimes it’s all too much with Game of Thrones. Maybe we should all just be watching Big Bang Theory.

I’m kidding.

On to the Power Rankings!

Giddy Up America’s Game of Thrones’ Power Rankings: Week Four

1. Keeping Up With King’s Landing

Up from last place last week, the goings on in sunny King’s Landing got dicey this week. Papa Smurf Tyrell is off to Braavos in what totally looks like a one way trip and Cersei armed the Religious Right of Westeros. And our boy Tommen? Tough couple of days for the King and his what we can only assume is a near constant erection.

Starting with Pops Tyrell, as brought to light last season, the Realm is basically in the same kind of debt American college students burdened by student loans are and need to essentially consolidate those jawns in a jiffy. I would argue not to do that King’s Landing. They’ll eff you with the interest rates. But do what you want to do. And what Cersei wants to do is send our new Master of Coin across the Narrow Sea for some face time with Iron Bank of Braavos. This seemed harmless enough until she added that Ser Meyrn roll with him, which isn’t just a bad sign for Mace Tyrell, but a freakin’ terrible sign! Ser Meryn’s middle name should be Ominous. However, on the bright side, Meryn will be in Braavos. Arya is in Braavos refraining from making Karate Kid jokes and references. A man shall not make the easy joke. Old sunny eyes Ser Meryn is on Arya’s kill list. I’m not saying the two are somehow going to run into each other. But I am going to say it’d be pretty dope if they did.

As for Cersei’s newly installed Faith Militant (points to GRRM for an awesome name,) those cats weren’t effin’ around. They unleashed holy hell on King’s Landing- ransacking brothels and snatching up the members of King’s Landing LGBTQ community, including Ser Loras, brother-in-law to the King. News to the King though, that is until Margaery came storming in, giving him the business (and presumably nothing else at least for the foreseeable future) and demanding he release her brother. Now if Joffrey were still King, he’d be roasting fools on stakes by tea time. Tommen is not Joffrey. He essentially sets his masculinity on a shelf and promises to come back for it later. I can’t even count the number of incredibly sour milk, disappearing balls comments our boy Tommen this week, so let’s just recap them with this handy illustration:

britney-spears-ohh-la-la-650-430

Can Cersei keep the Faith Militant on a leash? Why is the High Sparrow so chill all the time? What is Ser Loras’ prison nick name? Answers to these questions and more next week! Maybe.

2. Over in Essos: Danys Does the Day to Day

And it seemed like a normal, run of the mill day over in Mereen. Ser Barristan waxing poetic about Danys big bro Rhaegar and more jibber jabber about these damn fighting pits. Then all hell broke loose.

This happened…

game-of-thrones-setup

And then this…

game-of-thrones---trapped

And this…

game-or-thrones-grey-worm

And finally this…

game-of-thrones-nope-2

Ser Barristan is totally dead. Grey Worm? I doubt it. Seems like the Son of the Harpy, the pro-slavery lobbyists of Mereen, aren’t messing around. The only good thing to come from this is that finally, FINALLY, the Dany of old might come back and put some punk asses in their place.

Please?

3. The Homies of the Wall

Stannis, a good dad. Who would have guessed?

Not many.

Melissandre, a vile temptress. Who would have guessed?

Everyone.

What is this woman and her boobie magic up to? Does she know something about Jon we don’t? Maybe she just digs the emo dudes? Hard to tell. Either way, she’s definitely not much for under garments.

4. Jaime & Bronn’s Excellent Adventure

Jaime and Bronn, just some dudes camping on the beach, talkin’ chicks, ways to die, eating poisonous snake. It’s almost exactly like my bachelor party.

If Jon Snow knows nothing, Bronn knows everything.

Bronn: Hey that ship’s captain is totally going to rat us out.

Jaime: No way.

Bronn: Way.

Jaime: I paid him a shit load of gold.

Bronn: Gonna rat us out.

Which the ship captain does and now the Sand Snakes, doing some camping of their own, are on to Jaime’s rescue mission. So you have to ask yourself Jaime, why not hand over some of the planning to Bronn?

5. Littlefinger’s School of Hard Knocks & Close Talking

Wait, so is Littlefinger biding his time to side with Stannis? Actually I think he’s just a perpetual free agent, waiting to see which way the wind blows and then sailing in that direction. One week he’s Team Bolton, then this week he’s Team Give It Time, Stannis is Coming and Is Going To Wreck Those Sadistic Monkeys and Then Sansa Can Be Wardeness of the North Which is a Term He Probably Just Made Up. And I thought they were in Moat Caitlin, now they are in Winterfell? I’m confused. #teamGothSansa

6. Over in Essos: The Tyrion Chronicles

Homeboy is just looking to take a piss and the next thing he knows, he’s tied up and tossed in a boat. First things first, when the episode opened and that dude hopped out of the boat, I’m not the only person who for a second, thought it was the long lost Gendry, last seen rowing away from Dragonstone, was I? Either way, this plot line was more entertaining than interesting. Although impressive seeing Tyrion go Sherlock Holmes, figuring out who Jorah was based on a few clues and then breaking down his entire plan and the likelihood (or unlikelihood) of it succeeding. I mean, the role of Old English Dude is currently vacant within Danys administration, so Jorah may be in luck. But come on, it’s a dumb plan.

game-of-thrones-oh-indeed

I’m not sure Jorah does either.

Gifs: UPROXX

 

 

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