I had intended on getting things started with this season’s Game of Thrones’ Plot Line Power Rankings yesterday, but my week old daughter had other things to say about it- or more specifically, other things to cry, shriek, shimmy about it. But she actually might have been on to something. Monday now seems like Game of Thrones’ Recap Day, so that leaves Tuesday wide open. Good call Daughter. Way to earn your keep.
A quick refresher on the Plot Line Power Rankings- rankings are based on an extremely non-scientific, scientific process in which the show’s various plot lines are ranked based on level on intrigue, level of awesomeness, shock & awe factor, ability to hold my attention and one or two other indescribable factors.
You can check out previous season’s plot line rankings HERE.
Let’s get started.
Giddy Up America’s Game of Thrones’ Plot Line Power Rankings: Week One
1. The Homies of the Wall
At the end of last season, the Night’s Watch had managed to hold off night one of the Wilding assault on the Wall, but looked like they were in a rough spot to do it again. Jon Snow’s plan was to march into Mance Rayder’s camp unarmed, distract him with small talk and then bam, kill him. Weird that Mance snuffed that one out. Props to Jon for at least owning the fact that it was a shitty plan.
Jon’s scheme and subsequent outing of said scheme was interrupted by the sudden pop-in of Stannis and his recently acquired army, meaning that this season starts with Stannis having set up shop at Castle Black with designs on heading south, starting with Winterfell. And because Stannis is nothing short of being an extremely reasonable dude, he’s going to give Mance the opportunity to bend the knee to him and then enlist the Wildling army to accompany him on his southern road trip. Man! What is it with Castle Black and it’s ability foster incredibly stupid plans! That’s what happens when you get a bunch of dudes together- stupid shit. You need at least one woman around because real talk, women are smarter than men.
Oh, there is a woman around, Melissandre – and ol’ fire boobies has her sights set on Jon. Weird, she usually is only interested in bros with king’s blood. Unless…maybe Melissandre has been reading GoT fan theories on the Internet too. Good to know that they’ve got the Wi-Fi back up and running at Castle Black. The password is “IpromiseImnotlookingatpornlordcommander.”
Going forward, Jon is now dragging around another pesky label with him- adding Wilding Sympathizer to his business card, along with bastard, son of a traitor, know-it-all, that emo dude. It was one thing to bury Ygritte, but saving Mance from burning alive might not go over so smoothly.
2. Over in Essos: The Tyrion Chronicles
Tyrion killed poppa bear on the shitter, then peaced out for Essos, emerging in Pentos with a thick beard and a salty, sour disposition. Understandable. You can’t shave while trapped in a box, especially when that box is traveling the high seas. Now in Pentos, Tyrion is perfectly happy to go all self-destructive Don Draper and spend the rest of his days getting good and drunk and residing in Self Pity Town. Varys though has other plans because apparently, Varys has always had other plans. Cause see Varys, Varys has been #teamDanys from the jump and now sees the opportunity to link up Danys with Tyrion, ideally over a business meeting at the Starbucks in mid-town. How about Tuesday at ten? Cool, I’ll send an Outlook invite. Danys passion and name + Tyrion’s intellect and savvy = gold, Jerry. Gold! Varys is a patriot at heart- loves his country, hates it’s leaders and he sees Danys as Westeros only hope. He may be lacking a dragon in his pants, but he has a dragon in his heart. And what does Tyrion have to lose? Go to the business lunch, get a free meal out of it, see what she has to say. Best case, gets himself a new gig. Worst case, ends up back in Pentos living rent free and downing vino all day.
Next stop: Mereen!
3. Over in Essos: Danys Does the Day to Day
Let’s see- Danys has unruly inhabitants, an army just looking to do some cuddling, assassins lurking about in gold masks, two dragons peeved at her and one dragon in the wind. But hey, at least she still has her figure! Let’s just fast forward here and get to the part where she meets up with Tyrion and start from there.
4. It’s Kind of Eyrie
Since his mom “slipped” and fell out of the Moon Door, Robin Arryn, Lord of the Vale and Lover of Breast Milk, has been enlisted in Fight Club where he’s trying his best to become a man. Spoiler: it’s not going well. Another Spoiler: that’s not a spoiler; everyone saw that coming. But regardless, he’s trying. And Sansa, still posing as Littlefinger’s niece, has gone goth, dying her hair from red to black. After Robin’s practice and presumably after buying him some ice cream, Sansa and LF are headed to a “land so far from here, even Cersei can’t get her hands on you.”
Cool. Is it a land free of wine and spite, because if that’s the case, you might be onto something.
5. Keeping Up with King’s Landing
Tywin is dead. We are all sad. Cersei (at least this time rightfully) blames Tyrion, while Jaime is worried about the Lannisters many enemies tearing the family apart. For what? They’re broke. Seems like a justified concern, though. When the bully shows weakness, the nerds pounce. Commence pouncing nerds! Some of those nerds are the Tyrells- Margarey making us all uncomfortable with her robbing the cradle in her courting of Tommen and Loras assuming he’s free of his commitment to Cersei now that Tywin is dead. Tyrells are shooting to make moves this season. I know it, you know it, Cersei has known it since she was a child and the witch told her with frightening accuracy that yeah, she’d be queen, but would eventually be replaced by a younger women who would cast her aside. Any guesses who that might be? I’ll give you a hint: it’s not Loras.
6. The Sad Sack Road Rambler Club
Poor Brienne. She is top notch at keeping oaths, but damn unlucky at maintaining them. She pledged herself to Renly. Renly died. She pledged herself to Catelyn Stark. Cat died. Now she’s tasked to find the Stark girls and comes so effin’ close to finding one, only to have her escape. Buck up, Brienne. No, literally- BUCK UP. Sansa Stark literally rode right past you.