It’s possible, ever so possible, that you are completely unaware that the playoffs for Major League Baseball start this week. And it’s possible, ever so possible, that being distracted by things like unseasonably warm weather, football and pumpkin picking, you are also completely unaware of what teams are even in said playoffs. It’s entirely possible, ever so possible, that you didn’t even know baseball was thing anymore.
If that last one is true, then I’m sorry, you’ve now completely lost your soul to the NFL.
But hey, good luck with that.
Yet it is true, though- baseball playoffs kick off tomorrow with the American League Wild Card game, which is essentially a play-in game for the playoffs. Five teams from each team make the playoffs. That seems nuts! Although there are thirty some teams in the league, so it’s actually a pretty small percentage. But still!
Now I can freely admit that I have not been a good baseball fan this year. The Red Sox dismal and disappointing first half got the ball rolling when it comes to avoidance and then the Sox trade of Jon Lester was what really shut the barn door. As much as I hate to admit it, baseball, for me at least, has become a localized sport. If the Red Sox are involved, I’m involved. If not, then…not so much. This makes the playoffs tricky. Last year, the playoffs were awesome…let me reiterate that…the playoffs were EFFIN’ AWESOME as the Sox went on to win the World Series. It was a beautiful thing and I loved every stinkin’ minute of it.
This year is a different story, though. The Red Sox couldn’t even be gentlemanly enough to barely miss the playoffs, instead finishing in last place in the American League East. I have hope they’ll bounce back last year, but as for the playoffs? Well without the Sox in the mix, I’m decidedly less interested.
But I don’t want to be!
And I don’t want you to be!
So I’m going to dive right in and try to compile the best, albeit often least-informed Major League Baseball Playoff preview I can muster.
Giddy Up America’s Big Swinging Attempt at a Baseball Playoff Preview
American League
Baltimore Orioles (96-66)
One Thing You Should Know About the Orioles
The Pride of Portland, Maine Ryan Flaherty is an utility infielder for the team. A win for the Orioles, is a win for Portland and ultimately a win for Maine. Have you seen or heard about Maine’s governor? Maine could use all the positive national press it can get.
Why Should You Root for the Orioles?
For what seems like a lifetime, the Orioles have been perennial also-rans in the American League East, frequently finishing behind the Red Sox, Yankees and Rays. With all three having down years, the Orioles not only capitalized, but continued to lay a solid foundation of success in the years to come.
Why Shouldn’t You Root for the Orioles?
Come on, the Orioles are like a yard sale- only good can come from them. How can you not root for the Orioles?
Will The Orioles Win the World Series?
Probably not. But it’d be kind of super cool if they did.
Detroit Tigers (90-72)
One Thing You Should Know About the Tigers
Miguel Cabrera plays for the Tigers and is currently one of the best players in baseball. He’s also a potential legend, so watching him play carries some significance because you’re watching one of the best hitters ever to play the game.
Why Should You Root for the Tigers?
They’re a good baseball team. The kind of good baseball team that is easy to root for.
Why Shouldn’t You Root for the Tigers?
In just the past few months alone, Detroit has filed for bankruptcy and shut the water off on it’s citizens. They need to focus less on baseball and more on getting their cities’ shit together.
Will the Tigers Win the World Series?
They’re a safe bet to at least make it there.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (98-64)
One Thing You Should Know About the Angels
Mike Trout is on their team. If baseball were still America’s Favorite Sport, Trout would be a household name. Instead, he’s about as nationally popular as the twentieth most popular NFL player and thirty first most popular NBA player.
Why Should You Root for the Angels?
Because Mike Trout is on their team and like a government cover-up, the world needs to see this!
Why Shouldn’t You Root for the Angels?
Because the name of their team still doesn’t make any effin’ sense! You’re in L.A. or you’re in Anaheim Angels! I’m not all that familiar with the geography of the greater L.A. area, but it doesn’t matter- pick a city and run with it! Just like Nucky Thompson can’t be half a gangster and half a politician, you can’t be half Anaheim and half L.A.!
Will the Angels Win the World Series?
No. That’s it. Just no.
Kansas City Royals (89-73)
One Thing You Should Know About the Royals
If you are 29 years old, then you were literally in diapers the last time the Royals made the playoffs.
Why Should You Root for the Royals?
Because you love feel good stories and the Royals in the playoffs is the feel good story of this postseason.
Why Shouldn’t You Root for the Royals?
Because you’re a heartless succubus.
Will the Royals Win the World Series?
Nope. But it’d be super cool if they did.
Oakland A’s (88-74)
One Thing You Should Know About the A’s
Brad Pitt is not their General Manager.
Why Should You Root for the A’s?
Because Jon Lester is on their team and Jon Lester is a goddamn American hero.
Why Shouldn’t You Root for the A’s?
Because they won’t win. It’s what they do. Regular season success, post season failure. And they weren’t even that great this season, especially after the All Star break. Don’t waste your time here.
Will the A’s Win the World Series?
They do have dynamite starting pitching and that always helps…but no.
National League
Washington Nationals (96-66)
One Thing You Should Know About the Nationals
One of their starting pitchers, Jordan Zimmerman, threw the first no-hitter in team history on Sunday.
Why Should You Root for the Nationals?
Because unlike the football team in D.C., their team name is not a racial slur that should be changed.
Why Shouldn’t You Root for the Nationals?
Because you’re a fan of the Braves or Phillies and sick of another team crashing your division and winning division titles (see: Marlins, Florida Miami.)
Will the Nationals Win the World Series?
No. But only because I think they won’t get past either the Cardinals or Dodgers. But if they were in the American League? Totally.
St. Louis Cardinals (90-72)
One Thing You Should Know About the Cardinals
Since 2011, the Cardinals have either won the World Series, lost in the NL Championship game or lost the World Series.
Why Should You Root for the Cardinals?
Rooting for the Cardinals is like drinking a cold Budweiser, it just makes sense sometimes.
Why Shouldn’t You Root for the Cardinals?
Rooting for the Cardinals is like drinking a cold Budweiser, you’re only doing because you don’t have anything better to drink.
Will the Cardinals Win the World Series?
They are Giddy Up America’s Officially Hard to Bet Against Team of the 2014 Playoffs.
Los Angeles Dodgers (94-68)
One Thing You Should Know About the Dodgers
Since they were purchased by a new ownership group, let publicly by Magic Johnson, they’ve become the Yankees of the National League and use $100 bills to discard chewed gum in the bullpen*.
* not proven, but strongly suspected
Why Should You Root for the Dodgers?
Because anyone who cares about baseball even the slightest should be rooting for Clayton Kershaw.
Why Shouldn’t You Root for the Dodgers?
Hating the big market, free-spending team is a national past time. It’s what we do!
Will the Dodgers Win the World Series?
Yes. Yes they will.
Pittsburgh Pirates (88-74)
One Thing You Should Know About the Pirates
They are not actual pirates.
Why Should You Root for the Pirates?
Before the Bucs made the playoffs last year, the last time they were in the postseason was 1992. The last time they won the World Series was 1979, which I can say with 100% confidence was thirty five years ago.
Why Shouldn’t You Root for the Pirates?
You thought the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie made no sense.
Will the Pirates Win the World Series?
No. But like the Royals and/or Orioles, it’d be neat if they did.
San Francisco Giants (88-74)
One Thing You Should Know About the Giants
I like the Giants.
Why Should You Root for the Giants?
They’re not the Dodgers.
Why Shouldn’t You Root for the Giants?
You’re a Dodgers’ fan.
Will the Giants Win the World Series?
Sadly, no.
Giddy Up America’s World Series Prediction
Dodgers over the Orioles, 4 games to 1.
Top Photo: Getty Images
Categories: Sports
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