For Whom the Bell Tolls

A recap of the season finale of Bachelor in Paradise

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CHRIS HARRISONAll good things must come to an end. It’s why college only lasts four years, why summer is only three months, why your favorite hoodie will eventually disintegrate.

And it’s why Bachelor in Paradise must come to an end.

BUT WHY????

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No, we need more emotion.

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There it is.

I have no clue why this show doesn’t run forever- 52 straight weeks, including holidays, ESPECIALLY INCLUDING HOLIDAYS of Bachelor in Paradise and you can’t tell me we’d be better off as a nation. The show has no definitive conclusion, so why bother ending?

This keeps me up at night.

At around 1 o’clock in the morning on Monday in the greater New York area, the season finale of Bachelor in Paradise aired. And yes, 1 o’clock in the morning is crazy nuts. But so is the NFL right now, so we’ll move on and tip our hat to DVR because even though I love Bachelor in Paradise, there’s no way in hell I’m staying up that late to watch it. I don’t even think I can stay up that late anymore unless it’s New Year’s Eve and even that is a stretch. It gets to midnight, check please! Let’s finish up these over-priced drinks and head home.

And head home is what happened to our lovely bachelors and bachelorettes this week. It’s quitting time in Paradise. Lights will be shut off, drinks emptied. The raccoons and wild life will once again have the run of the place. Geckos in the bunk beds! Adorable. Turtles in the master bedroom because they’re turtles. Turtles in bunk beds is laughable.

This episode would be like no other episode of Bachelor in Paradise. Ultimatums were to be given and as a result, the mood was tense. Chris Harrison dropped bombs, profess your love or get the hell out. Simple as that.  Have you only known this other person you’re in a “relationship” with for three weeks at the most? Sure. But whatever, that seems like more than enough time to determine if you want to spend the rest of your life with them. It worked so well for…thinking…thinking some more…Avril Lavigne and that dude from Nickelback. And sure, why isn’t that a love to strive for? Marcus and Lacy, with a little luck, you two can spend the rest of your life writing shitty songs and being Canadian. Fingers crossed for you two.

Six couples were in Paradise when the episode started. Two were left when it ended.

Zack and Jackie

I’m firmly in the Zack was Cooler When He Wasn’t Talking Camp. Meanwhile, Jackie has made some terrible decisions while in Paradise. Like, really questionable decisions, one of which might have been choosing to drink the water. She picked Jesse over Marquel, thus kicking off Jesse’s reign of terror. Then she picked Zack over Brooks and Brooks, apparently (according to My Darling Wife) we all love Brooks. Jackie’s decision-making is definitely questionable at best.

Their Response to the Harris Ultimatum: Both declined to drop the L word and chose to leave Paradise, which was smart because there’s a good to great chance neither one knew each other’s last name.

Christy and Tasos

These two are in the running for Couple Most Likely to Actually Keep Dating Once the Show is Over.

Their Response to the Harris Ultimatum: Like Zack and Jackie, they declined because maybe, just maybe, they came to the conclusion that after one date, maybe they weren’t in the best place to declare their love for one another. Paradise might have also run out of booze, a big party fail in Christy’s book.

Robert and Sarah

Oh, Sarah. Oh sweet, sweet Sarah. When will you learn that looking for love on television might not be the best move a smart, attractive gal like yourself can make. It was recently announced that Bachelor in Paradise would be back for a second season. I swear to God, if Sarah is on there I might be forced to lose faith in humanity. Or at the very least, lose faith in Sarah. Both would be tragic as I’m a fan of both humanity and Sarah.

Their Response to the Harris Ultimatum: Well, they stuck it out to the Fantasy Suite stage, a bench mark in any Bachelor/Bachelorette relationship. Candles were lit, hot tubs were used, smooches were exchanged. Things looked good for these two. Sarah was feeling it. Although “it” wasn’t what you might have originally thought. What? “It” ended up being Robert’s jeans. Robert’s jeans? Yeah, homeboy slept in them. What???? Yup. Wanting to take it slow, hell…enjoying taking it slow, Robert felt it’d be best if he hunkered down for the night in his jeans. You know who sleeps in jeans, Robert? Three year olds and drunk college bros. You don’t look like either, so I’m confused. Sarah was confused too. Then upset. Then pissed. Then over it. Harris Ultimatum rejected.

Although we’re left with some questions.

Question Number 1: Is Robert Gay?

No, I don’t think so. But maybe.

Question Number 2: He could have just slept in his undies. That still denotes the Taking it Easy phase in a new relationship.

Yes he could have.

Question Number 3: Was he not wearing undies?

Results are inconclusive.

Question Number 4: Maybe he really wanted to take it slow?

Maybe. And maybe he could have told Sarah this instead of sleeping in his jeans. A more comfortable option on all fronts.

Question Number 5: Aren’t jeans incredibly uncomfortable to sleep in?

Hell yeah they are!

Let’s just move on and collectively, let’s hope we never see Sarah on a televised dating show again.

Ashlee and Graham

Their relationship from Ashlee’s perspective: a fairy tale, a dream, only months away from domestic bliss and Orange is the New Black marathons, a decent sized wedding, hot babies, professionally organized marital love-making, happy ever after

Their relationship from Graham’s perspective: yeah, kind of weird

Their Response to the Harris Ultimatum: Didn’t get that far, which was a big surprise to Ashlee and her odd hippie accessories. Thanks to a Michelle Money Intervention, Graham elected to break things off with Ashlee before returning to the real world, which makes sense if your Graham. No way Ashlee is going to be wearing a bikini as often in the real world and that’s kind of a bummer. Plus she might also be a lunatic, which is also a bummer. Although, to be fair to Ashlee…

Oh well, there’s always next time Ashlee. There’s more Instagram feeds, Facebook profiles, and Twitters out there.

Which isn’t weird at all.

Cody and Michelle

Cody isn’t just ready to have kids with Michelle, he’s ready for grand kids. That dude is the most eager fella out there. He might be a cartoon character and I have some questions about how he’d fare in the real world. I picture Cody being very confused by the concept of a mortgage. But that’s just me.

Their Response to the Harris Ultimatum: Pre-fantasy suite Michelle Money was going to take it slow and just talk. Post-fantasy suite Michelle Money was “tired and sore.” Oh, and also madly in love with Cody.

And Cody?

Feeling pretty good.

Marcus and Lacy

The only positive to come from this season of Bachelor in Paradise ending is that we no longer have to be subjected to these two. It’s as if God (or Bachelor in Paradise producers) thought it’d be funny to couple up two of the most annoying voices ever to appear on national television and then beat us over the head with them. And while I’m still not sure that A) Marcus knows what love is and B) Lacy knows how to spell Marcus, they are apparently still together. So good for them.

Their Response to the Harris Ultimatum: Wedding bells y’all!

And thus concludes the first season of Bachelor in Paradise.

It was magical, memorable, absurd and delightful. We wait with bated breath for season two.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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