Paradise Lost…It’s Mind: Week Three

By Ryan O'Connell on 08/19/2014 • ( 0 )

Doing a fantasy football draft. This is considered a somewhat manly thing to do.

Watching Bachelor in Paradise. This is considered a slightly less manly thing to do.

Doing a fantasy football draft while watching Bachelor in Paradise. That there is slightly more ambiguous. It’s not as clearly defined as doing one thing or the other thing is. And it’s certainly not as clearly defined as Graham and AshLee’s relationship in AshLee’s eyes.

But then again, not much in this world is.

This week’s Quote of the Week…

“My knee hurts, but I definitely want to enjoy her behind closed doors.”

That wonderfully romantic confessional nugget is courtesy of Chris B., who earlier in the day fell victim to a re-torn meniscus in one of his knees, but flat out refused to let it stand in the way of his blossoming relationship with Elise, Queen of the Ill-Conceived Metaphors.

And now, reporting from Paradise, it’s Sarah…

Yes, our dear Sarah, she with the one arm, but huge heart, has essentially been relegated to Bachelor in Paradise’s War Correspondent. America’s Sweetheart is all too ready to throw some shade at her fellow ladies. But before you start to think she’s some kind of evil-doer, she melts you heart as she wrestles with the idea that guys don’t like her. To which I’d reply, Sarah, many, many, many dudes would probably love to date you. Making assumptions about the male species based solely on the nunchucks you’re spending a few boozy, sun-filled weeks in Mexico with is a terrible move. I stick with my main point re: Sarah: she’s too good for this. But I also stick to my second point re: Sarah: the fact that she doesn’t seem aware that she’s too good for this, makes me think that maybe she isn’t too good for this.

Back to Sarah, Bachelor in Paradise War Correspondent…Sarah is expressing concern about Elise’s new found, never-ending love with ~~Dylan~~ Chris B. Because you know, she was all about Dylan the day before and is now head over heals for Chris “Not a Good Guy” B. Sarah tries to warn Elise, urges her to maybe take it slow. Elise is dancing on rainbows or some shit like that and will have none of it.

Cue Sarah…

“I get frustrated with girls who get wrapped up in guys so quickly,” said Sarah, whose on a show full of girls who get wrapped up in guys so quickly.

Thanks, Sarah. We’ll check in with you next week.

Let’s move on to some of the best Wait…what? moments of the week.

Marquel, Marquel’s Glasses, Marquel’s Inability to Refuse a Date Request

The ladies love Marquel. Well unless your Elise, but who knows, she could love him tomorrow. Either way, Michelle Money (who may or may not practice witch craft in her spare time) was all about Marquel. She gave him a rose and everything, which it should be noted, totes means everything here. It means more than sunscreen, rational thought and proper hydration combined. Michelle thought she was making progress with Marquel, that is until Danielle (who…oh, her) came sauntering down the beach, date card in hand and a laser-like focus on everyone’s favorite wearer of ridiculous glasses…MARQUEL! In any other situation, Marquel, who only yesterday (because remember, all this nonsense happens over maybe a three week period) was “with” Michelle, would decline the invitation.

But buddy, this ain’t any other situation.

It’s not even this situation.

And that’s about as dumb as a situation gets.

Marquel accepts Danielle’s invite and Michelle is bummed. Michelle is pissed. Michelle is moving on!

Meanwhile, Marquel was taken aback during his date, because wait for it, Danielle knew about him. Could be because he was on TV but no, Marquel is smarter than that. He wears glasses. I don’t wear glasses.

Back at base camp, Michelle “has the clarity to know she’s over him.” Unfortunately she doesn’t have the capacity to make facial expressions to hide that. Which is funny, because Marquel doesn’t have the capacity to turn down a date, as he’s asked on another date with newcomer Jackie.

So if you’re keeping score:
Michelle: scorned by Marquel
Danielle: scorned by Marquel
Jackie: not scorned by Marquel
America: confused about it’s feeling about Marquel

Courtship? We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Courtship!

Let’s say that we know the days of the week that the events on Bachelor in Paradise happen.

On Sunday, they all arrive.

On Monday and Tuesday, Dylan and Elise are totes together and Elise is madly in love with him…already.

On Wednesday, Dylan sends the clearest mixed messages ever sent to Elise, suggesting she go on a date with someone else.

On Thursday, Dylan is pissed Elise didn’t just go on a date with someone, she wrestled a trouser snake with Chris B. in the ocean, prompting Dylan to go on a date with Sarah and then tell Elise not to give him a rose because he won’t accept it. That night, Elise just does that. Dylan rejects the rose and is on the first train back to Boston.

On Friday, Dylan is gone and Elise is now madly in love with Chris B. They go on a date together. It’s magical and includes naked time.

On Saturday, during the Rose Ceremony, Chris announces that he’s going home due to his bum knee. He asks Elise to come with. She does…because she’s not technically involved with reality and this all makes complete sense to her. Hand in hand, they leave paradise.

Now think about that, think about Elise’s actions over the course of the week.

Now think about something else, like the actions in Ferguson.

Because if you think about Elise too long, you too might slip out of reality and into whatever crazy ass world she’s living in.

Crazy in Love, Crazy in Real Life too

Last week we had a little break from AshLee and Graham’s fairy tale romance, but we were right back in it this week. Graham is for some reason, and I have no idea why, starting to voice some concerns about AshLee because apparently he thinks her talking about meeting her parents, even though they haven’t even gone on a date yet, is a little too soon. Too soon, Graham? Why are you such a traditionalist, dude? I just don’t think he understands how true love works. Although to be fair, AshLee isn’t just putting the cart before the horse, she’s putting the wood to make the cart before the horse. But who cares? It’s true love! They’re meant to be! Everything is awesome!

Right, Graham?

Okay, maybe not quite. Maybe talk about meeting the parents, decorating their house and picking a retirement home to live in before even having a date is a little much.

I’ll give you that much, Graham.

AshLee finally receives a date card and this allows these crazy love birds something that maybe should happened before, but hasn’t yet- a first date. It could be what makes everything right for Graham and convinces him that AshLee isn’t crazy, she’s just crazy about him. And that’s cool. Because she’s hot. Perhaps this could all work out in the end. Thumbs up all around!

The date goes well enough.

If you write it enough times, you trick yourself into believing it. The date , the first for him, the 1,432nd for her (in her mind) just kind of goes- smooth enough until AshLee starts going on and on about how happy she is to be there and how much she was hoping Graham would be here. This confuses our hero, as it would any normal person. Graham wonders how she “could know him so well” without never meeting him. But dude, it’s all good. AshLee has based all of these beliefs on a pretty solid platform of reasoning.

She follows him on Instagram.

Okay. Kind of weird.

I mean, it’s Instagram. I follow Rhianna, but that doesn’t mean that I think we’re meant for each other. I certainly don’t look at her pictures and think that she’d be a good person to spend the rest of my life with and then keep looking at these pictures so much, that I become convinced we belong together. That if only we could meet, she’d think the same and we’d have “hot babies.”

That’d be crazy.

Right, Graham?