I’m in for the long haul when it comes to Bachelor in Paradise. Last week, watching the series’ premier, I had to talk myself into watching a second episode and was enticed by teases of broken legs, handcuffs, bedroom phantoms and literally anything that came out of AshLee’s mouth.
This week, watching the series’ second episode, I wasn’t as much hooked as I was unwillingly captivated. How could I not want to see how this sun-soaked clusterfuck plays out? It’s like putting a six pack of summer beers in front of me, telling me they’re not that good, but expecting me not to still try and finish them. I’m a sucker for summer beers! I’m a sucker for this Bachelor nonsense. I can admit it. I’m not scurred. Not ashamed or embarrassed. If watching these shows have taught me anything, it’s that there is absolutely nothing I can do in my life that will cause me to be embarrassed if none of these ass clowns on the show do what they do without a shed of embarrassment.
Before recapping some of the better Wait…what? moments from this week, I’d like to present the five best Totally Out of Context, but Totally Relevant When Talking About Bachelor in Paradise Quotes.
Quote Number 1:
Tomorrow when we wake up, it’s going to be really awkward.
Quote Number 2:
This is nothing.
Quote Number 3:
The odds of me finding love in paradise are unlikely.
Quote Number 4:
Quote Number 5:
I don’t know. It’s just weird.
It’s just not a classy move.
And now, a word of advice when it comes to watching Bachelor in Paradise. If you want to make it interesting, watching it with friends or a significant other, I would highly recommend that you refrain from incorporating a drinking game that involves taking a shot/drink any time someone says either “connection” and/or “connected.” No joke- you’ll end up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning. I’m serious. Stomach pumping, the whole nine yards. If you insist on having a friendly drinking-related competition while watching this show, do something smart, like take a shot every time someone makes out in the ocean (not as often as you’d think,) examples of bros being bros on the beach (throwing a football, smashing a coconut, etc,) or the golden goose- someone uses the phrase “the right reasons” (for serious drinkers only.) I’m serious about this. You’ll thank me later.
On to the best Wait…what moments of the week.
The Heartfelt Story & Dramatic Re-enactment of Michelle K. and the Mysterious Balcony Jumper
Chris Harrison, dutiful host of Bachelor in Paradise, is no stranger to breaking the fourth wall. He’s the host. That’s what hosts do. But to start last night’s episode, Harrison seemingly broke the fifth wall. Harrison informed his viewers with an uncharacteristically serious tone that events happened last week that needed to be discussed. And we were all like, yes, please. Get to it! We’ve been waiting all week to find out why Michelle was all sorts of weird and winky after she bailed on the Rose Ceremony last week. Maybe I’ve already found love, she said. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, MICHELLE? Did she make out with an oyster? Has she taken up with some mysterious local? Did someone finally wink back to her on Match.com?
Lots of theories circulated about Michelle and this mystery man, but the prevailing one was that her shadowy lover was a member of the crew. And for a split second we all wondered, seems like that would happen more often. But this time it did and in his best “no really, this shit is serious” tone, Harrison outlined the events that happened. And to help, as if his painfully detailed exposition wasn’t enough, they included a “dramatic re-enactment” complete with slammed doors, testimonials and a stunt man falling from a twelve-foot high balcony. Say what you will about Bachelor in Paradise– and you could say a lot, like it’s the single dumbest/saddest thing I’ve ever seen or these people make me want to teach my child the right way to do things and the wrong way to do things- Bachelor in Paradise spares no expense when it comes to setting the record straight.
And what is the record?
During pre-production, as interns are busy placing secret cameras in couch cushions, setting up multiple bars stoked with only the best sexy-feelin’ boozy drinks and making sure there’s plenty of lube…I mean, suntan lotion available, our “stars” are holed up in a hotel.
Wait, are they all in the same hotel?
I guess so. How many hotels could there be around there?
So, they would then presumably know who else is going to be on the show- at least that first wave would know?
Again, I guess so.
Well if that’s the case, were they told to act surprised last week anytime someone walked down that beach or were they not allowed to leave their rooms at the hotel for fear of ruining the surprise?
I don’t know!
Back to Michelle, she’s at the hotel and while spending time on her room’s balcony, she strikes up a conversation or two with Ryan, a member of the production team, who is in the room next door. One thing leads to another thing, the adjoining door separating their door is unlocked and sweet, sexy, tonsil hockey happens. It happens so much and is so sweet and sexy, that it causes Michelle to gracefully bow out of the competition. Case closed? No, the case is not closed. The next day, Harrison and non-schtupin’ Michelle producers go see Michelle. She slams the door in their face. In their face! Later, when another producer goes to see her is when Ryan the Producer decides to do the only smart thing a person in his position would do- jump off the balcony. Couple broken legs later and the rest is history. And so is Michelle. And so is what any shed of decency Bachelor in Paradise ever had.
I’m just kidding.
This show never had any decency.
You’re How Old?
The first newcomer to the beach party this week was Chris. I don’t know much of this gentlemen other than that he tried to crash meet the dudes night during Andi’s season. I’ve also heard through the grapevine that his history on the Bachelor franchise is somewhat sketchy. Of course, if you’re labeled sketchy in the Bachelor franchise, that loosely translates to you’re a effin’ undesirable vagabond in the real world.
But that’s not what bothers me about Chris.
What bothers me about Chris is actually pretty simple.
What? Are you kidding me? How the hell is he only 27 years old? He looks like he’s at least 37.
He also looks like he owes you money and has no intention of paying you back.
He also looks like he’s a Dallas Cowboys’ fan.
He also looks like he liked the Dillon Panthers after Coach Taylor left.
He also looks like the kind of guy you’d refuse to let your sister date.
He also looks like a slightly better looking version of a carnival worker.
But more importantly, he also does not look 27.
You may have fooled the producers, sir. But you didn’t fool me!
Nice Backpack Ben…NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
Ben is another fella with a checkered past in Bachelor world. I don’t know why. I don’t care. Homeboy’s gone anyway- got busted by Marcus, who “happened” upon a love note of Ben’s from a gal back home. If you’re following along at home, that would mean Ben is not in Paradise for “the right reasons.” What do we say to those people not here for the right reasons?
Yeah! And take your Ninja Turtle back pack with you!
A Ninja Turtle backpack?
Yeah. He was rocking what looked like a Ninja Turtle backpack. I can’t confirm this because I don’t care enough. But it’s what we thought last night and that’s good enough for me.
“I’m done with TV,” Ben said before leaving.
Good, because we’re done with you and your backpack that you obviously stole from your nine year old son.
You Say Tomato, I Say Quit With the Mixed Messages
Last week it looked like Dylan and Elise were halfway to couple town. This week, not so much. Dylan is a man of few words…literally, he only knows seven of them, so his intentions are somewhat unclear, but the gist was that he wasn’t really feeling Elise as much as we originally thought and wanted to see what else Paradise had to offer (i.e. To Good To Be On This Effin’ Show Sarah.) He wanted Elise to do the same. Go on some dates, he said. Meet some people, he said. See what else is out there, he said.
Make out with Sketchy Chris in the ocean, he did not say.
But Elise did- something about sharks and a shark tank. I don’t know. Elise isn’t great with metaphors. She also isn’t great at understanding when someone is telling her to go take a hike, which is what Dylan did- repeatedly. He dropped the f-bomb (friends) and went so far as to say that if she were to give him a rose, he wouldn’t accept it. Elise was undeterred though, and pursued Dylan with a Lloyd Christmas-level of determination. Fast forward to the Rose Ceremony and when it’s Elise’s turn, guess what she does?
Does she…A) give the rose to Sketchy Chris?
Does she…B) throw the rose in the ocean, while yelling THIS GAME IS RIGGED YO!
Does she…C) shock us all and give the rose to To Good To Be On This Effin’ Show Sarah?
Does she…D) offer the rose to Dylan, is rejected by Dylan, make an incredibly weird, incoherent and uncomfortable speech about the status of their relationship and then give the rose to Sketchy Chris?
And the answer is…D!
Now normally this would seem like a completely asinine course of action by Elise. Of course if you do think that, then you haven’t been watching Bachelor in Paradise. So while Elise went out this week and went so far as to out-crazy AshLee, the question isn’t what’s wrong with that girl?
The question is WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? WHY ARE YOU NOT WATCHING THIS TELEVISION SHOW?
Because you should.
You totally should.