Scandal of Cards

Blog mash-up time! House of Cards meets Veep meets Scandal.

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White-House2Francis Underwood, former Democratic Majority Whip of the House of Representatives, former Vice President of the United States, former World of Warcraft champion,  found himself alone. Not metaphorically alone- one is never truly alone when evil is your co-pilot, but literally alone. He was all alone in the Oval Office- his office. It had been his office for all of a day or so- kind of hard to tell, murky specifics. Time flies when you’re having fun and no one was having more fun than Underwood- President Underwood.

Underwood has dispatched the President…whatever his name was…the tall white dude, in what seemed like seconds. Then he made that little China problem his bitch. Raymond Tusk? Well he can tusk off. President Underwood gets things done. President Underwood picks up the phone, but pauses…who should he call?

There is a knock on the door.

Underwood checks his hands. Was that him knocking on the desk? He was lost in thoughts.

There is another knock on the door.

Oh for the love of Meachum.

“Come in,” Underwood says.

The door swings open and it is not the President’s favorite stress reliever and it is not Doug…Doug’s dead, yo and it’s not the First Lady. It is none of those people.

It is the new Vice President.

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The new Vice President is Selina Meyer, former Senator from Maryland. Underwood only looks at her. Her bluntness takes him back. Not in a nostalgic way, but in a you remind me of a sad clown version of my wife kind of way.

Like it or not, it’s President Underwood and Vice President Meyer.

Underwood can’t hide his displeasure. He hangs up the phone and turns away from Meyer. He then turns back to her. He turns again. He is obviously looking for something.

“What the fuck are you looking for?” Meyer asked.

“A camera,” Underwood replies. “It’s usually…well, I’m a little put off right now and need to express myself. Not to you, but to the camera. It’s usually…” he looks around again, “…it’s usually around here somewhere.”

“Is this the goddamn Real World or something? Christ.” Meyer shrugs her shoulders and sits on the couch. “Not as soft as you’d think,” she says.

Underwood continues looking for the camera, but then stops and turns to her.

“Did you need something, Madam Vice President?”

“Need something? Yeah, I need a bigger role in this administration. That’s what I need. I’m not going to be some kind of goddamn puppet anymore. A hood ornament for you to parade around like  some…”

“You don’t parade around a hood ornament.”

“Excuse me?”

“You most likely meant to refer to yourself as a show pony, which is something that can be paraded around. A hood ornament is no such thing. It sits there. It’s displayed. Do you want to just sit there or do you want to be paraded around? Because if you were to ask me, I’d think you’d want to be more than a hood ornament. More than even a show pony. Have I underestimated you, Madam Vice President? I don’t think I have. I see great potential in you, Selina…can I call you Selina? I hope so. And I hope what I see is correct. My Southern hospitality requires me to speak in pleasantries, but I think we can be honest with each other. Can we be honest with each other, Madam Vice President?”

“Yeah, I lost you at…”

“Because if I were being honest, I’d say that…”

The door flies open.

There is not a knock this time. There is only a door flying open. This flying open doors startles both President Underwood and Vice President Meyer.

The door flies open.

anigif_enhanced-buzz-30603-1380574170-6It’s Olivia Pope and her coat is amazing.

“Mr. President, Madam Vice President, I am so sorry to interrupt, but we have a situation,” Pope says.

“A situation?” Underwood asks.

“Don’t you mean…a scandal?” Meyer chimes in.

Pope is not amused and throws dagger eyes at Meyer.

“This is serious. Very serious. It’s so serious that the fate of the Republic hinges on the very…”

“The Republic?” Meyer asks.

“Yeah, what pray tell is the Republic?” Underwood asks.

“Sounds like some fucking store at the mall all the panty chompers I have following me around all day would shop at,” Meyer adds.

“It’s the Republic,” Pope says. “The country. The country you are both in charge of. This great nation. The city on the hill. The cradle of democracy.”

“So, the country,” Meyer says.

“Yes. The country.”

“But why did you say the Republic?”

“Because that’s what it is.”

“It’s the country. Republic? The Republic.”

“Madam Vice President, I…”

“I love your coat by the way.”

“Thanks. I know people shouldn’t wear white after Labor Day, but I have this whole white hat thing going and…”

“Ladies, please, I’m going to stop you here.” Olivia and Selina stop and look at the President. “I am really quite busy and don’t have time for this challenged back and forth. There are divey bar-be-ques to discover, Civil War figurines to paint, plots to plot. Can we please cut to the point?”

Olivia Pope gathers herself, take a deep breath.

“Mr. President, your Chief of Staff is…wait for it…missing.”

post-38083-I-dont-know-whether-to-be-prou-KAsN

…to be continued…

gifs: Buzzfeed, Pandawhale

 

 

 

 

 

 

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