Let’s start here and start with some simple wagering- we ended last night’s episode of Downton Abbey with Mr. Bates death-staring across the table at Lord Gillingham’s valet, also known as That Douche Rocket Who Raped Anna. So my question is this…
Does Mr. Bates…
A.) Jump across the table and murder that dude right there with a fork and biscuit?
B.) Wait until later, then wallop him from behind with his cane and leave the unconscious valet in Thomas’ room as a welcome home present?
C.) Ask if he wants to see the pigs…which is Bates-speak for murder him and then feed him to the pigs?
D.) Patiently wait for Lord Grantham to get home, tell the Earl what happened and then let the authorities take over?
My money is on C.
Now on to this week’s Downton Abbey Stock Market update.
Whose Stock is Rising?
Lady Mary’s stock isn’t merely rising- it’s on fire! It’s en fuego! It can’t be stopped, we can only hope to contain it. But no way, we don’t want to contain it because that’d be a crime. We want to curl up beside it with a cup of tea and watch that shit burn. I’d like to introduce the world to Mary 2.0- sassy, smart, not afraid to get her hands dirty, scrambler of eggs. Lady Mary vaulted Mrs. Hughes in the MVP race this week and I’m not sure Mrs. Hughes will be able to catch up. Not with Lady Mary becoming a beacon of women’s liberation and empowerment, all while looking fabulous. We have to think now that Lord Matthew’s death might have been the best thing to ever happen to her because she’s become an unflappable dynamo in recent weeks. Can Downton just become Lady Mary’s show? She’s becoming the most interesting, watchable and entertaining character on the show- something I don’t think anyone saw coming. Well, anyone who isn’t Mr. Carson. He knew. He knew all along.
Ol’ Crazy Eyes does it again. She still freaks me out with her…you know…crazy eyes…but how can you not root for that woman?
Let’s be honest, there are very few things more scary and intimidating than a fired up old woman. What is she going do? More like what is she not going to do? There is not greater wild card in the world than a spicy old woman- which is exactly what Mrs. Hughes is. And never mess with a member of a wild card’s flock. Mrs. Hughes is having an incredibly strong season, but she made the leap this week with her tough-talking confrontation with the Valet Rapist. Throw it down, Hughes! Throw it down. The only way that scene would have been better is if the valet wet himself, which in real life, would totally have happened. And side note, is a buddy comedy with Mrs. Hughes and Mrs. Patmore in the making? If not, it should be. Tea Time, from the creator of Downton Abbey, features Mrs. Hughes and Mrs. Patmore, living together in a small village in the English countryside, baking muffins, having girl talk and solving mysteries. Together, they’re cooking up something good. Coming this fall to BBC America.
Bates didn’t only learn forgery in prison, he learned that patience is a man’s best weapon. Oh just sit and wait, Bates. You’ll get your chance.
Me personally, I feel that everyone needs a strong aunt in their life. I’m lucky. I have a couple. Edith is lucky, because she has one too. Now while Aunt Rosamund might have complicated feelings about inter-racial mingling, she has pretty straight forward feelings when it comes to supporting one of her nieces. Golf clap for Aunt Rosamund. Nice to see a bench-player make her mark.
And speaking of inter-racial mingling, Rose and saucy jazz singer Jack continue to…wait a minute…Rose and Jack. Aren’t those the names of…yes…yes they are. Julian Fellows is lifting character names from Titanic. What the hell is next? A character named…uh…never mind, I can’t think of any other character names from Titanic besides Iceberg. But back to Downton’s Jack and Rose, no way this ends well this season. Although it should be noted that we’re viewing this in America and America might have handled an inter-racial couple differently than England would have in the early 1920’s. I’m certainly not a scholar of inter-racial couples through the years, so I don’t know. And while I still think these kids have a bumpy road ahead, I think the location of this show should be considered. Granted a quick Google search might clear this up- but there’s no time!
Props to a dude not afraid to get his hands and tux dirty to save a dehydrated pig.
Whose Stock is Falling?
Who is Ivy? She’s the vixen in the kitchen who hated on Alfred until she realized Jimmy was a tool and is now loving on Alfred, much to the dismay of Daisy- who is better than all of this. This is Downton Abbey for crying out loud- high brow soap opera stuff, not middle school soap opera stuff. Ivy is dumbing this crap down.
Stupid pigs- knocking over their water trough. Get your act together, the future of Downton depends on it.
Whose Stock is Standing Pat?
Cora (quietly consistent, good for low risk buyers. Granted a modest return with few ups and downs)
Edith & Rose (decent stock for those willing to take a chance on a potential windfall down the road)
Lord Grantham (a sucker’s bet. Stay away)
The Dowager (smart stock for smart people- always rising)