HEY NOW, THRONES IS BACK!
I’m not going to get into how excited I was at 8:58 eastern standard time because maybe, just maybe, it could be as embarrassing. I mean, I’m not embarrassed. Like, at all. Thrones is back, it’s a wonderful time to be alive. Unless you’re Jay Z. Then it might be a slightly dicey time to be alive. I suppose he has 100 problems now.
Let’s get right into the first power rankings of season six.
Giddy Up America’s Game of Thrones’ Power Rankings: Week One
1. The Night (‘s watch) is Dark and Full of Assholes
Well that’s settles it, Jon Snow is dead. And as this season starts, the wounds are still fresh. Ghost is singing the blues and thank God for Davos, the coolest partially literate, fingerless bro in all of Westeros because homeboy is doing his best to hold things together. Of course the killing of Jon is a big deal because our boy Davos has always appreciated a good chain of command while Melisandre is looking for a do-over after mis-reading the flames and mistaking Stannis for Jon. Woman, they don’t even look alike. One has hair, the other doesn’t. You have few excuses, Melisandre; although old age might be the best and most plausible card she can play. Because yeah, that happened.
Davos sent That Dude Who is Friends With Jon to rally the Wildlings, while the Night’s Watch want Jon’s body. Why? Hopefully to burn it, but probably to do something stupid with it because it should be pointed out that the remaining members of the Night’s Watch not on #teamjon are incompetent ass clowns. Davos naturally assumes Melisandre can get them out of this pickle, partially because she wants Jon’s pickle. But Mellie-Mel is currently suffering what we like to call a crisis of faith.
And I’ll leave it at this- Olly, that little shit who couldn’t get over his parents being killed in a world where EVERYONE’S PARENTS GET KILLED is still around, looking all pissed and angry. I’m mad at all of the Watch for killing Jon, but I’m mad at Olly the most. That little turd bucket. I’d hope for him to get a taste of his own medicine and get killed, but by the looks of it, he’s on the cusp of puberty and frankly, that’s a far worse punishment. Enjoy the acne, asshole.
2. How Sansa Got Her Groove Back
So it’s not like Sansa ever had a groove per say, but it is nice to see her notching a number in the win column. Of all the characters on Game of Thrones, you could easily make an argument that our girl Sansa has had it the worst. She’s definitely in the top three.
But not anymore!
Sansa has a posse now- a crew. Theon is Theon again, although it should be noted that Theon wasn’t exactly awesome pre-eunich status. Brienne is out there, knighting the shit out the world and Podrick is slaying fools like a champ. And on lead vocals…Sansa.
But where does Sansa go from here? Castle Black? Uh, things aren’t exactly awesome there. Winterfell? Yeah, that’s a negative. The Eyrie? No way. Littlefinger is a super freak super creep. I’m guessing Castle Black and maybe, just maybe, it happens around the time Melisandre brings Jon back and for the first time in a long time, two Starks are under the same roof.
3. Keeping Up with the Lannisters
Cersei is rocking a People to Kill list now that rivals Steve Buscemi’s in Billy Madison and it’s going to be delicious like sea salt caramel latte ice cream watching her carry it out. Faith Militant? Dead. Their boss man? Dead. Margery? Eh, maybe just rotting in jail. And now, the whole country side of Dorne? Oh, so so so so SO dead. And as a bonus, she has a pissed off Jaime to help her out. In the grand scheme of things this business with the Lannisters doesn’t really mean shit but that doesn’t mean it’s not fun to watch.
Not pictured: King Tommen
Reason: playing with cats
4. This Dornish Wine is Delicious…wait is this poison???
Again, just like with the Lannisters – in the big picture this stuff is small potatoes, but it was still cool to watch. I still believe in the Sand Snakes, even if they did have a lackluster rookie season. And no, I’m not just saying that because the cute one scares the shit out of me. Although I might be.
5. Damn, Danys
Oh Daenerys. Of all the titles of hers that she mentioned this week, the one she forgot was She Who Frequently Takes One Step Back After Taking One Forward. But hey, at least she got picked up by the Dothraki horde who love them some playful banter and slap-stick comedy.
6. The Leftovers (specifically Danys’ leftovers)
Okay, the odd couple, the Kasich & Cruz of Game of Thrones, Jorah and Darrio are on the hunt for Danys, who they both love, but both will never have. Well, Darrio has, but that’s a matter of semantics. Jorah has gray scale to go along with his terrible case of Friend Zone-itis and that dude’s clock is ticking. No loving embrace from Danys for him when they find her. Which they will. Likely in two episodes after you wish they had.
Back in Mereen, Tyrion and Varys are just two bros hanging out, making jokes, mistakenly offending poor mothers via clumsy Valriyan and having wonderful daytime strolls ruined by the sight of Danys’ fleet of ships being burned by those assholes, the Sons of the Harpy. On the real, those guys are dicks. I was really hoping we had seen the last of them (and Mereen,) but that doesn’t seem to be the case. On the bright side, it’s nice to see Tyrion and Varys back together, easily one of the show’s best tag teams.
7. A Girl Must Get Her Act Together
First, a pledge- I will NOT make any Daredevil jokes and/or references when talking about Arya.
I will also not talk about Arya much at this point.
A man has better things to do.