Another week, another bang up episode of Game of Thrones. Let’s skip the formalities and get right to this week’s power rankings.
Giddy Up America’s Game of Thrones’ Power Rankings: Week Three
Kind of Eyrie/The Sad Sack Road Rambler Club It’s a Hard Knock Life
There are most likely times when you think to yourself, man I have the worst luck or you muse out loud that you are having the worst day ever. And for you those things might be true. Everything is relative. But next time you find yourself voicing that particular brand of complaints, take a moment and think, it could be worse, I could be Sansa Stark. Because no matter how shitty your day might be, Sansa’s day is far more shittier than yours. And frankly, it’s not even close.
Goth Sansa was under the impression that Littlefinger, also known as The Least Trustworthy Dude in the Seven Kingdoms, has her best interests in mind. So much so that he had decided that the Eyrie was not safe for her anymore, they needed to hit the road for, as he so eloquently stated- a place where Cersei can’t find her. No one knew where this place was and no really, I mean no one. The showrunners had gone off the reservation and veered off the course set by author George R.R. Martin so now you the TV viewer were on equal footing with the know-it-all who had read the books and found enjoyment recording your reactions to crazy moments they knew were coming and you didn’t and then posting them on YouTube. It’s a level playing field now as far as the Sansa story goes.
But where is the story going?
Nowhere good unfortunately…well unless you are a Bolton or Littlefinger. Definitely not if you are Sansa, because guess what Goth Sansa, you may have narrowly escaped marrying a psychopath once before, but you may not be so lucky a second time. Our dear damsel in distress Goth Sansa has now been promised to Ramsey Bolton.
I mean, it’s just not fair. It really isn’t. But then again, life in Westeros is never fair. It doesn’t matter who you are. Life is especially a big ol’ pile of dire wolf dung for anyone with the last name Stark. And actually, that name is the only thing Sansa can cling to right now, even if it is why she finds herself in this latest pickle. Roose Bolton, the new Warden of the North, realizes that even though he had Lannister-backing to get that new title, it was essentially a one-time offer, especially with Tywin dead. He needs to fortify his base, get people on his side. Those people are the people of the north, the majority of whom stubbornly still pledge allegiance to the Starks. So what better way to extend an olive branch than to trot a Stark in front of them and let them know that dude, everything is going to be fine, just fine? Unless you’re Sansa of course. It’s a decent enough plan, but it’s dependent on the word of Littlefinger, which isn’t worth even the quickest of visits to one of his world-renowned brothels. But what is Littlefinger’s plan here? We’ve been given every indication in the world that he harbors a creepy fascination/obsession with Sansa, so handing her over to well known lunatics like the Boltons seems antithetical to his desires. Maybe he just views Sansa as a pawn? Maybe he’s plotting to tear down the Boltons from the inside? Maybe he’s decided plans are balls and he’s going full blown wild card from here on out? I don’t know. I only know that once again Sansa is royally eff’d.
And overlooking the whole thing is Brienne of the Shotty Resume and her trusty squire Pod. Backstory is cool, but action is cooler. Brienne might just be able to save someone she has been trusted to protect once in for all!
2. Over in Essos: The Tyrion Chronicles
Road trips have ebbs and flows. The start is always exciting, that first hour is usually a good time. It’s around hour three when things start to get tiresome. And no matter how wonderful the company, you always hit a point where you just want to get some freakin’ air and stretch your legs. But that’s where the similarities between your typical road trip and Tyrion and Varys’ journey to Mereen end. Your pit stop most likely does not conclude with you being gagged and tossed over a drunken and bummed out knight’s shoulder- a knight who is desperately looking to get back into his high school crush’s good graces. Will it work? Who the hell knows when it comes to Daenerys anymore.
3. Homies on the Wall
Look at Jon Snow, sitting behind a desk, crunching some numbers, lopping a dude’s head off. He really has grown up.
4. Over in Essos: It’s Arya Time!
A man shall not insert a Karate Kid reference.
5. Keeping Up With King’s Landing
Hi, my name is Tommen. I’m King, my best friend is a cat and my wife is super hot. Have I mentioned that my life is fahkin’ suhweeeeettt?
And Tommen, your life is pretty sweet. I’ll give you that. But I’d make sure you keep an eye on that little wifey of yours because she’s a chess player crashing your checkers game. And if you don’t believe me, ask your Mom. She knows what I’m talking about.