Consequences really are a son of a bitch. Actions are easy, but it’s the consequences of actions that can really bite you in the ass and are the hardest to deal with.
This week’s Game of Thrones, “The Laws of Gods and Men” was all about consequences, for better or worse. Whether it was the consequences of taking over a city without proper long-term planning, the consequences of trying to put people in their place or the consequences of neglect, this week was all about dealing with repercussions.
Giddy Up America’s Game of Thrones Plot Line Power Rankings: Week Six
It’s Always Sunny in King’s Landing
For as prideful as the Lannisters are, they really have no interest in keeping their family drama private. Like zero interest. On a scale of Kardashian to Matt Damon, it’s way down towards Kardashian. Their latest foray into public dirty laundry airing is putting Tyrion on trial for Joffrey’s murder. Although calling it a trial is like calling Donald Sterling a reasonable old man- it just sounds ridiculous. Tywin called witness after witness, all of whom who harbored some sort of grudge against Tyrion, to make wild and non-contextual claims about his dwarf son that would back up Cersei’s accusation that Tyrion killed “the most noble child God has ever put on Earth,” according to Maester Pycelle. He’s talking about Joffrey, which seems funny because he kind of sounds like he’s describing someone…anyone else besides Joffrey, unless he was rocking an opposite day. That’s doubtful. But he was rocking a list of poisons that sounded like a list of shitty metal bands playing at a VFW somewhere, poisons he has in his medicine cabinet. One of these poisons, the Strangler, was reported missing and them somehow, he has the necklace drunk Ser Dantos gave Sansa, and is able to confirm that A) the jewels contain the Strangler B) The Strangler, and not pigeon pie, was what killed Joffrey…although of any kind of pie, pigeon pie seems like the pie most likely to kill someone. No offense to pigeons.
How did they get the necklace? Did Littlefinger have someone push the skiff with Dantos’ body in it towards King Landing? Is that smart or stupid? Probably smart, as it helps the case against Tyrion and further distances Littlefinger from any suspicion. Once again Littlefinger, pretty, pretty good evil-doing.
Beside numerous eye rolls, exasperated looks and gasps from the peanut gallery, the other big thing to come from the trial was that poor Jaime got schooled by his father while trying to save Tyrion’s life. Dude, never ever mess with Tyrion when he’s sitting down. He straight up schooled Jaime; probably already has a wife picked out for him and knows what preschool their kids should go to. He’s probably already paid the deposit, or has promised to because remember, the Lannisters are broke, yo. All Tyrion has to do is take his punishment like a man and head north to the wall and Jaime will step down from the King’s Guard and return home to mind the family store. Sounds pretty simple. Or at least it sounded simple until Tyrion ratcheted up the Eff You levels at the trial by bringing in Shae. Gasp, Shae? Yeah, Shae. But I thought she had peaced out? Maybe she had, but Tywin’s desire to rid himself of Tyrion knows no bounds and he brought his son’s shorty on the side back into the fold to testify against her former lion. And Shae, come on girl, I liked you and I realize break ups are tough, but really, really? You’re going to play Tyrion like that?
You can’t blame for Tyrion for losing it after that, after the public humiliation and skull effin’ reached such resounding heights. And lose it he does. The following scene was FedEx’d to Emmy voters first thing Monday morning…
So moving on, trial by combat again for Tyrion. Last time Tyrion went down that road was in season one in the Eyrie. He won that one and got a new best friend in Bronn. Win, win! What happens this time? Is it technically Tyrion against Cersei because she’s the one accusing him or Tyrion against Tywin because he’s the head judge? Can Prince Oberyn be involved? Please. He’s becoming my favorite character on the show.
Here’s how the list of Giddy Up America’s favorite characters looks today:
3. Prince Oberyn
5. Ser Davos
Other things of note from King’s Landing…
More chatter at the Small Council about Daenerys, followed by more poo-pooing from Cersei. Baby dragons, she scoffs. Varys whispers are given proper due by Prince Oberyn, though, and it looks like finally, Tywin is going to pay some mind to the growing threat from the east. Tywin is also paying some mind to rumblings about the Hound and his adventures in the countryside, slaying Lannister men and grumbling fuck the King. It’ll be interesting to see some looming danger added to the merry travels of Arya and the Hound.
And hold the phone, is Varys eyeing the Iron Throne too?
Stannis Comin’ Yo
Stannis and Davos decide to get away for the weekend and take a quick trip over to Braavos, based on Davos suggestion that they ask the Iron Bank of Braavos for money to finance their second stab at over-throwing the Lannisters. No one likes a sequel guys, unless Christopher Nolan is involved. And it looks like Mycroft Holmes and his fellow bank tellers agree with me and are going to send Stannis and Davos back empty handed before Davos is able to convince them of Stannis’ redeeming qualities that would make him a suitable leader, but kind of a shitty boss if he catches your fingers in the cookie jar. Flush with cash it’s time to get the band back together and that starts with Salladhor Sam, an old buddy of Davos back in his “cookie jar stealing days.” Stannis is back in the game!
Salladhor Sam’s joke:
There are men on a ship and one day, the lookout spots another ship approaching. He races to tell the captain. The captain says, get me my red shirt and they attack the ship. The next day, the lookout spots two ships approaching and again, races to tell the captain, who again, asks for his red shirt. After they’ve defeated the two ships, the lookout asks the captain, why do you always want your red shirt? The captain replies, so if I get stabbed, no one can tell because they won’t be able to see the blood. The next day, the lookout spots ten ships approaching. He runs to tell the captain and asks, do you want your red shirt? No, the captain says. Get me my brown pants.
Home to Roose
You’d probably forgotten that at the end of last season Yara Greyjoy, upon receiving her brother’s funky monkey in a box, pledged to sail to the Dreadfort and rescue her brother Theon. It took her a little while, but she made it and after rallying the troops, descended on Dreadfort. She had planned for everything: scaling the wall, taking out the guards, sharpening her ax. But what she hadn’t planned for was how eff’d her brother was.
The end result was a mission that could be best described as yeah, we liked tried dude, but you know, fuck it, let’s just go home.
Hey, A for effort, though. It’s not like he’s your brother or anything, Yara.
I was hoping this would be it for the Greyjoys, but one uncomfortable bath scene later and it was apparent that this wasn’t the case.
How the East Was Won & Dragons Were Tamed
So that sucks. You’re out with your goats, having a delightful day when all of sudden, a big ass dragon comes flying up, roasts the wonderful yard you’ve been spending all spring on and scoops up one of your goats. Your goats, man! Those are your livelihood. #firstworldproblems.
Back tracking might have been a good PR move for Daenerys, but it’s not without it’s headaches. Adult responsibilities are never as good as they sound and she spends all day in a dimly lit temple, listening to people bitch and moan. Probably not what she had in mind when she decided to double back and lead the cities she’d conquered instead of continuing on to Westeros. What’s next, sitting in on city council meetings? A ribbon-cutting ceremony celebrating the opening of a new little league field? Weekly Ask the Queen segments on Mereen public radio?
You broke it, you bought it Daenerys.