FENCE JUMP FENCE JUMP FENCE JUMP!!
I had never been so excited for a fence being jumped since like, ever. Never even really considered it actually. One time, back when I was a stupid youngster living in the suburbs, I had to make a quick escape from a situation and in the process, had to jump a chain link fence. It was exciting, but not nearly as exciting as Colton’s fence jump, which had been mercilessly teased and promised throughout this entire season of The Bachelor. The virgin talk, the Demi-forged path of destruction, more of the virgin talk, Googling Colton’s NFL “career,” cattiness, back-stabbing, effin’ more virgin talk and finally the lovely sights and sounds of Portugal were all preamble.
We came for the Fence Jump and we’re not leaving until we get it.
And then Monday night came and the fence jump happened and as luck would have it, it actually lived up to the hype. This is The Bachelor. That’s quite the compliment. This franchise routinely makes big promises, only to leave you feeling short-changed. Damn it, Chris Harrison. They all can’t be “the most dramatic season” ever. This isn’t Grey’s Anatomy for crying out loud.
However, what really made the fence jump…sorry, FENCE JUMP!!!…worth it was what lead up to it. And no, I’m not talking about Tayshia’s date, as wonderful as that may have been. They went in a helicopter, they chilled on a cliff, they had a wonderful dinner punctuated by talk of nip slips and then retreated to the Fantasy Suite where maybe, just maybe, Colton was going to lose his virginity. Not sure if you know, but homeboy is a virgin. I know. He never talks about it.
Did he though?
Yeah, that’s a negative. We knew that as soon as we saw Tayshia’s face. Her eyes screamed disappointment and not the kind of disappointment that comes from a mere five to seven seconds of sexual pleasure, or intimacy as she called it. I mean, it didn’t seem like it was going to happen anyway. Tayshia had made the final three, but also had made it into the Friend Zone. Colton and her had become buddies. No way Colton was losing his virginity to a friend. I’m just assuming his virginity is important to him. He hasn’t talked about it very much.
After Tayshia, it was Cassie’s turn. Fun fact about Cassie is that Colton has been locked in on her from the jump. This entire season has been a race to the finish with Cassie in the cat bird seat and Hannah G. close behind. Everyone else was playing for third place. We knew that. They knew that. EVERYONE KNEW IT. We even knew it back when we first saw cast bios for this season and everyone circled Cassie as a favorite. She could shoot someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and still be the favorite. True story.
All seemed well for these two love birds as they strolled the streets of some town in Portugal and having a delightful time. If we saw disappointment in Tayshia’s eyes earlier, we saw cartoon hearts bursting out of Colton’s. Contest is over guys. Cassie won. Hannah G. can find comfort in social media-ing and Tayshia will be great in Paradise. It was a good time had by all. See everyone this summer.
Last week, when Colton was meeting Cassie’s family, he had tried and failed to get her dad’s blessing. He had gone 2 for 3, but to be honest, didn’t seem that bothered by it, which is why he casually mentioned it during his afternoon with Cassie. Cassie was thrown for a loop. “I’m surprised. I left feeling like my family trusted me to make the right decision. That’s not easy to hear,” she responded. “I’m so confused right now. Sorry, I’m just soaking it in … I wish you would’ve told me then.” Telling her then would have made sense, especially if you felt like you really knew Cassie. If you knew this young lady, you would have known that getting her father’s blessing was important to her. Unfortunately Colton didn’t really see if that way. He kind of just viewed the whole process of asking the fathers for permission as a mere formality. And sure, that’s fine. You can feel a certain way about the idea of asking a father for permission to marry their daughter and you can certainly make the case for it being an outdated concept. However, if you are going to actually do it, you have to go through with it. You have to buy into the process and as a result, act accordingly. If you are going to ask Cassie’s dad for his permission, you need to respect his answer. Colton didn’t and by doing so, kind of exposed the whole thing as a sham. For the other two ladies, maybe that was fine, but it didn’t seem to be for Colton, which is something he wasn’t able to wrap his head around.
“That didn’t both you?” Cassie asked. Colton really didn’t have an answer because I don’t think he had thought of it since. It might have bothered him a little, but not enough to derail the process, which it kind of should have. Again, if you’re going to go through the motions, you need to go through all of them. You need to practice like you play, Colton Underwood. If you’re going to play the role of upstanding dude, you need to practice being one.
As if to complicate things further for Cassie, the show flew her dad out. From California. To Portugal. That’s like, not a short flight. It’s actually a pretty effin’ long flight. To do a trip like that on such short notice doesn’t make much sense, which is ironic because during their conversation, Cassie’s pops was making a bunch of sense. Referencing their brief time together back in California, he said “for me to give a blessing after a half-hour conversation isn’t something really diligent.” No, not it isn’t. “There shouldn’t be any hesitation in your mind when you meet somebody that you want to spend the rest of your life with. It’s a life-long decision. It’s not something you make when you’re unsure.”
If Cassie was wavering before their talk, she wasn’t really after. It was done. Now we’re over. The show is over. Everyone can move on with their lives.
Wait. She still needs to break things off with Colton. I’m sure that will go well. The dude has already been broken up with a record four times so far this season. Or is it three? No, it’s three. This would be the fourth. Either way, impressive nonetheless.
Thus we found ourselves with thirty minutes left and one heart to be broken. And broken it was. Prior to her arrival, Colton all but admitted he was in love with her and he was done with the competition. He was giddy. It was adorable. Of course then Cassie showed up (looking amazing by the way) and things took a turn that poor Colton was just not expecting. Cassie told him that her dad stopped by, which should have thrown Colton at least a little because again, CALIFORNIA TO PORTUGAL IS A LONG ASS FLIGHT and proceeded to put things into perspective for her, specifically driving the point home that unsure people don’t get engaged.
“My dad talked to me about how I was feeling, and how big this whole thing is. He told me about my mom and him, and their kind of love, and how he never had any doubts about it. She never had any doubts about it either. I don’t know, I just, I would hate to see you … I don’t want to see you leave here without you leaving what you came here for.”
Now you, like Colton, could say that ‘hey, we don’t have to get engaged. We could just say we are going steady or something and see where it goes.” And that very well may happen. But Cassie was undeterred. She held fast as Colton all but threatened to burn Utica to the ground for her. And I’m serious. Colton pretty much ruined the whole damn thing in the process of trying to change Cassie’s mind, saying that they didn’t have to get engaged at the end of this and could just be dating (also known as the Reverse Rachel Lindsay) and that she was his number one. “I want it to be you at end of this,” he said at one point, then adding that he thought of her all the time, even when he was with the other woman, which will be wonderful to watch later if you are Hannah G. or Tayshia. Guys, he was going to pick Cassie and did so before the show ended.
Oh and then he jumped the fence.
So where do we go from here because we still have one episode left? I see three scenarios.
Scenario 1: This Season Ends With Colton By His Lonesome
Colton escapes the wilds of Portugal, washes up at the Women-Tell-All and then disappears into a life of tire flips and protein shakes.
Scenario 2: He Has a Change of Heart About the Remaining Two Women
Colton escapes the wilds of Portugal, washes up at the front steps of a producer’s AirBnB and admits that after doing some soul-searching, feels he owes it to Tayshia and Hannah G. to finish this journey. Hannah G. gets her one on one and then Colton proposes to one of them (i.e. Hannah.) This would not be unprecedented. In two seasons of The Bachelorette, dudes bailed and the women went with their second choice. One was Des and she’s still married to the dude.
Scenario 3: Some Kind of Cassie Re-Connection
Colton escapes the wilds of Portugal and washes up in Huntington Beach, California, determined to win Cassie back. He continues to stress that they don’t need to get engaged. They can just date; do hand stuff. Free from the shackles of the show, they are free to embark on a relationship on their terms.
I’m going with Scenario 3, although I’m not ruling out Scenario 1. Scenario 2 could be in play, but in the preview for next week, it definitely looks like Colton is saying goodbye to Tayshia and Hannah. He could still have a change of heart after saying goodbye, but for now, Scenario 2 is a distant third in terms of probability.
Now before we move on with our lives and watch the new Game of Thrones trailer again, we should at least acknowledge that Tayshia’ claims that Caelynn was only in it to be the next Bachelorette and Cassie wasn’t ready for marriage don’t see as outlandish anymore.
Yeah, maybe not.
Score one for Tayshia. Eventually being proven right is a pretty solid consolidation prize.