With it officially being 2019, the big time summer music festivals have started rolling out their lineups. So far, Coachella, Governors Ball and Bonnaroo have all shown their hand. There are some similarities, but also some head scratchers, blasts from the past and some fantastic band names. In past years I have decided that the best way to understand a festival lineup is via word association. It’s simple. I’m going to run through a festival’s lineup and write down the first thing that comes to mind with each performer.
First up, Bonnaroo 2019.
Music selection: 30 of Rustic Overtones
It’s 1:56pm. Let’s do this.
12th Planet: Pluto’s cousin’s neighbor.
All Them Witches: Mueller’s got a band?
Caroline Rose: It’s a red wine, good with steak
The Comet is Coming: Not now. We have enough going on.
Donna Missal: Uh…female wrestler?
Dorfex Bos: Sounds like a medical condition
Eprom: Sounds like the cure for Dorfex Box
Grand Ole Opry: This is a building
JACK HARLOW: Batman villain?
Magic City Hippies: They all think they are
The Nude Party: Only the best kind, said every pervert ever
Peach Pit: What was the young dude on 90210’s name?
Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever: Craft beers have the darndest names
Saba: The hummus?
Shlump: We all go through them
Space Jesus B2B Eprom B2B Shlump: Is this a computer glitch?
SunSquabi: Is this what caused the computer glitch?
AJR: Not to be confused with AFR
Anoushka Shankar: My whiteness prohibits me from trying to pronounce their first name
The Avett Brothers: Not gunslingers
Beach House: Yes please. Preferably with more than one bathroom.
BROCKHAMPTON: WHY ARE YOU YELLING, BROCK?
Catfish And The Bottlemen: Not to be confused with Hootie and the Blowfish
CHERRY GLAZERR: You have one job: glaze the cherries.
Childish Gambino: So….not retired?
Courtney Barnett: grrrl rocker
Crooked Colours: I’m color-blind. All colors are crooks to me.
Deafheaven: I’m sorry. That’s a dumb band name.
Ducky: I had a friend in high school name Ducky. He once kissed Liv Tyler. TRUE STORY.
Girl Talk: All the good stuff
Gojira: You’re welcome.
GRiZ: One of Tracy’s bodyguards on 30 Rock, right?
Ibeyi: Or you could obey? Your choice.
Jade Cicada: That new sushi spot down the road. Not bad. Little pricey, though.
K.Flay: How not to respond to Bobby in the kitchen.
Las Cafeteras: The cafeterias?
Liquid Stranger: Rail vodka
Medasin: ugh…with the ridiculous spelling…
Mersiv: What is this?
Monsieur Periné: He doesn’t know. No one does.
Nahko And Medicine For The People: Uh, we’re spelling it “medasin” now guys.
NGHTMRE: Vowels sure can be
Parquet Courts: For fancy tennis players only
Phish: Cheeky monkeys
Rival Sons: The Avett Brothers IRL
RL Grime: The children’s author?
Solange: Elevator Justice
The Teskey Brothers: Also rival sons
Tyla Yaweh: God bless you.
Bishop Briggs: Same
Chelsea Cutler: Probably not a Greta Van Fleet situation
Clairo: Gets those looking for Cairo, but doing so quickly, every single time
Deva Mahal: Taj’s brother
Gramatik: Purveyor of excellent background music
Gucci Mane: FREEEEDOM
Hippo Campus: The one with the drugs
Hozier: Luscious locks on that dude
Jim James: Also not a bad head of hair
Joe Russo’s Almost Dead: BUT NOT YET YOU ASSHOLES
John Prine: Your dad’s friend who can do your taxes or build you a new deck. Maybe both.
Juice WRLD: Don’t miss the cranberry juice roller coaster…
Kacey Musgraves: Country gal
Little Simz: Phil’s daughter
The Lonely Island: Where Trump will spend the rest of his days
Maren Morris: Another country gal, kind of looks like JoJo from The Bachelorette. Trust me.
MEMBA: When you go to a conference for work, but want to stick out…
The National: Their singer has a very interesting voice and I like it.
ODESZA: I know this is a DJ.
Post Malone: No comment at this time. Thank you. Next question.
Quinn XCII: I don’t know. Maybe a brand of watches?
The Record Company: We used to have those
Rubblebucket: Kids, ask for one for your birthday. You’ll love it!
Ruston Kelly: Is that you, R. Kelly? If so, buddy you might be in serious trouble.
Shovels & Rope: It might come to that.
SNBRN: Fuck you, letter “u”
Space Jesus: President of the Magic City Hippies and frequent guest at The Nude Party
TOKiMONSTA: Is this a Pokemon character? Asking for a friend.
Unknown Mortal Orchestra: Assassins. They kill you with their violins
Whipped Cream: No thank you. Watching my calories in the new year. New Year: New Me.
ZHU: Shouldn’t there be numbers after this? This is for health insurance, right?
AC Slater: What can’t he do?
Bombino: Sick guitar player
Brandi Carlile: I can never remember if she’s from the Go-Go’s or not.
Cardi B: Definitely not from the Go-Go’s.
CID: Might be from the Go-Go’s.
Faye Webster: Your aunt, the one with the missing tooth.
G Jones: The “G” stands for Gareth
Hobo Johnson & The Lovemakers: Actually playing at the dive bar down the street from the festival
Iglooghost: Literally gives you chills
ILLENIUM: Mine is just a millennium
Kikagaku Moyo: Okay
King Princess: That doesn’t make sense…no, it does. In this day and age, it does. #staywoke
The Lemon Twigs: But this definitely doesn’t make sense
Lil Dicky: One of many
The Lumineers: Hey!
Mac DeMarco: Not a character from The Sopranos
Princess: Sophia? Amber? I’m a huge Princess Sophia head these days.
Ripe: I never know when a banana is and it haunts me
The Soul Rebels: The funky members of The Rebellion in Star Wars
Trampled By Turtles: An extremely slow way to go
Two Feet: Use them and walk away from the trampling turtles if you’re smart
WALK THE MOON: You can’t dudes. Gravity.
The Wood Brothers: Also rival sons.
Done at 2:19pm.