Once upon a time I started looking at the lineups of summer music festivals, festivals like Coachella, Bonnaroo, Governors Ball and Firely, and doing a speed run of word association. I would check out the list, look at a name and write down the first thing that came to mind. Sometimes that first thing would be relevant, sometimes it wouldn’t. Sometimes it really wouldn’t.
Earlier this week Coachella announced their lineup and made waves in doing so, thanks in large part to it’s murderers row of headliners – Beyonce, Radiohead and Kendrick Lamar. Of course the desert festival also made the wrong kind of headlines when it was revealed that the man in charge is a less than a cool dude who supports extremely less than cool organizations. So yeah, that’s why I’m not going to Coachella. That is totally why. I’m totally not going because I’m old and on the East Coast and am not in a point in my life where swinging it for something like that is doable. So yeah, it’s because of that asshole dude. 100%.
But while I’m not going to the actual festival, I can still have some fun with the lineup. So here’s what we’re going to do. Below is the lineup. I’m going to look at the lineup and proceed to write down the first thing comes to mind when I see a band or musician’s name. I’ll do this for the other major festivals as well. And as a way to mark time, I just started listening to Run the Jewels 3. I’m halfway through the first track. Okay, we all on the same page? Great. Let’s do this.
Alison Swing: boring name
Allah-Las: at last?
Anna Lunoe: Alison Swing’s alter ego?
Arkells: evil monsters in a Underworld movie
Autograf: not to be at all confused with autograph
Banks: the man
Banks & Steelz: the man and the man’s weapon
Bastille: Like French
Ben UFO: if that’s his real last name, that’s amazing
Beyoncé: Solange’s sister
Bicep: not Solange’s sister
Big Gigantic: also not Solange’s sister
Bishop Briggs: of no relation to either Knowles daughter
Blossoms: better with gin
Bon Iver: not better with gin
Bonobo: isn’t this a clothing line or something?
Breakbot: break-dancing robot named Jim
Brodinski: no, you’re my brodinski
Capital Cities: Trenton, Albany, Harrisburg…
Car Seat Headrest: I think this is one dude, it just sounds like a band
Caveman: Brendan Fraser
Chicano Batman: ha, I love this band name
Chris Cruse: Tom Cruise’s country-music playing alter ego, Ala Garth Brooks’ Chris Gaines
Classixx: naughty history
Crystal Castles: this sounds like a drug reference
Daphni: so does this
Declan McKenna: this kid is an effin’ teenager I think
Denzel Curry: a super monster that combines the talents of Denzel Washington and Steph Curry
Devendra Banhart: looks like a woman, but with the facial hair of a dude…maybe?
Dillon Francis: you mean lil’ Frank Dillon?
DJ Khaled: DJ KHAAAALIIIID
DJ Shadow: legend
DJ Snake: French fella
DREAMCAR: Land Rover or an Escalade
Eli & Fur: uh?
Empire of the Sun: funky costumes and eye liner
Ezra Furman: is your parents’ accountant
Father John Misty: is not your parents’ accountant
Floating Points: not much for emphasis
Four Tet: could be ways to describe a floor plan if you were so inclined
Francis and the Lights: Francis is the backing band…yeah, I just blew your mind with a non-factual fact
Future: looks troublesome, but I’m not here to talk politics
Future Islands: California
Galantis: what we’ll then call California
Glass Animals: easily breakable
GoldLink: not nearly as easily breakable, but certainly not indestructible
Grace Mitchell: oh, lovely
Grouplove: group STDs
Gryffin: (expletive deleted) Harry Potter heads
Gucci Mane: recently released from prison…so congrats
Guided By Voices: oddly enough is guided by their gut
Hannah Wants: ice cream?
Hans Zimmer: him?
Honey Dijon: on my sandwich please, but not a lot thank you
Honne: look closely and it looks like their name is “home”
Hot Since 82: probably a model
Jack Garratt: will sell you a real solid pickup truck for cheap
Jagwar Ma: uh?
Jen Ferrer: her too?
Joseph: surprise, it’s ladies
Justice: Zack Snyder! That’s the name of the Justice League director. I was trying to think of that earlier.
Kaleo: these guys are sick
Kaytranada: I feel like this is a rapper, but it could definitely be a DJ
Kehlani: I feel like this is an Indian restaurant, but it could definitely be a DJ
Kendrick Lamar: boss man
Kiiara: got nothing
King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard: now this is a character in the inevitable shitty Game of Thrones rip off that we’re about a year away from experiencing
King Sunny Adé: married to Queen Sunny D
Klangstof: if this is someone’s first name, that person has a hell of a big beard
Kungs: where do these names come from?
Lee Fields & the Expressions: old school soul baby
Lil Uzi Vert: sure
Little Dragon: I think you mean Lil Dragon
Local Natives: quality
Loco Dice: this name is absolutely fantastic
Lorde: you’re Taylor’s friend, right?
Los Blenders: again, great name
Mac Demarco: makes a mean hoagie
Mac Miller: Ariana’s boo
Majid Jordan: Drake’s dude
Marcel Dettmann: possibly a mime
Marshmello: a DJ?
Martin Garrix: is working in your IT department and is pissed you keep downloading things you’re not supposed to
Maya Jane Coles: romance novelist
Mitski Moderat: there’s a real name in those letters somewhere. I can feel it.
Mura Masa: is this something my dog can get?
New Order: those acronym’s belong to them
Nicolas Jaar: head of the New Order
Nora En Pure: enemy of the New Order
Oh Wonder: sometimes, you know, on lazy Sundays
Patrick Topping: can’t tie a tie
Phantogram: set your phantograms to jam!
PNL: uh? this probably stands for something dumb
Pond: I like ponds
Porter Robinson & Madeon: this sounds like a folk dude fronting a metal band
Preoccupations: organizing things, listening to podcasts
Preservation Hall Jazz Band: classic
Róisín Murphy: Bond villain
Röyksopp: where Murphy’s lair is
Raury: I’m raury sorry I don’t know who you are
Real Estate: always a solid investment
Red Axes: oh, those aren’t good
Richie Hawtin: ol’ Dick Hawtin, huh? Haven’t seen him in years!
S U R V I V E: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!
Sam Gellaitry: Sam from The Hobbit’s original last name
Sampha: I’d name my panther Sampha
Sasha: my daughter’s best friend
ScHoolboy Q: weird ass rapper
Show Me The Body: that’s what Instagram is for I think
Shura: yes, I’m pretty shura
SNBRN: guys, there is nothing wrong with a vowel here or there
Sofi Tukker: yeah, I feel like this is a dude
SOHN: yeah, I feel like this is something in which I have no idea what it is
Steve Angello: owns the pizza corner down the street…the one with the breadsticks
Stormzy: gotta be a DJ
Swet Shop Boys: probably a DJ
Tacocat: WINNER: BEST NAME…everyone else go home
Tale of Us: not to be confused with The Story of Us
Tennis: would be nuts if it was the sport and not the band
The Atomics: I wish this was a doo wap group
The Belleville Three: probably bluegrass
The Head and the Heart: how I make decisions
The Interrupters: I can’t tell if I like this name or not
The Lemon Twigs: sounds like it’s code for something else
The Martinez Brothers: Larry and Theodore?
The xx: they’ll be hot in their black leather
Thundercat: dope bass player
Toots and the Maytals: legends
Tory Lanez: not a bowling alley
Tourist: aren’t we all in some form or another?
Tove Lo: she’s good
Travis Scott: heard he’s unreliable
Twin Peaks: can’t way for season three!
Two Door Cinema Club: I like this band name
Tycho: such a dumb DJ name
Warpaint: somehow not offensive
What So Not: yeah, what so not offensive
Whitney: could be anything
Zipper club: but it’s not a zipper club
Done. Halfway through track nine.