Let’s Talk About Rudolph

Last night I watched Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. It was the second time I’ve watched it this Christmas season because I’m a good uncle and a good husband. But I’m going to be honest, with each viewing I find myself more and more confused by the beloved holiday classic. I try to keep my comments to myself because quite frankly, My Darling Wife would sometimes prefer it that way, but even at my most polite and supportive, I can’t help myself. An Irish/French pedigree will do that to a person.

If for some reason you’ve never seen the movie or it’s been ages since you have, let me quickly refresh you.

Two reindeer have a baby reindeer. The baby reindeer is born with an illuminated schnoz, making him an embarrassment to the family. They hid it, but the truth eventually gets out and the reindeer, Rudolph, peaces out. At the same time, this little elf dude announces his desire to be a dentist and not a toy making slave, so he is also naturally cast out of the North Pole. The two end up teaming up, eventually running into a burly looking dude out mining for gold, run away from a snow monster with googly eyes and come across the Island of Misfit Toys which is down river from the Island of Inept Toy Makers. Yadda, yadda, yadda they all return and it takes a massive snow storm and the threat of Christmas being cancelled for people to realize Rudolph has value and they all live happier ever.

It’s heart-warming story, albeit a problematic one and I will now line out some of my issues with the movie.

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Issue 1: Why are reindeer such dicks?

No, really. Why? You work one day a year and I’m assuming you get free-housing, so you’d think they’d be in better spirits, but the were all straight up a-holes to Rudolph. Also, male reindeer are incredibly chauvinistic which is totally not cool. Beyonce taught me women have value too. Maybe male reindeer should listen to Beyonce some and re-think their stance on women.

Issue 2: On a related note, we have to hope that the North Pole is more progressive and open to the changing roles of women these days, right?

Hopefully. Although it seems true change will only come when one of Santa’s eight reindeer are a female. We’ll get there ladies. #Imwithher

Issue 3: How did no one not think that a reindeer with a headlight for a nose would be an asset?

You’re flying a sleigh around the world, in the middle of winter in most of the world and at night everywhere. A reindeer is born with a built in headlight and you can’t see how much of an asset that is? Dude, these people are idiots.

Issue 4: Isn’t it kind of lame that people only started being nice to Rudolph once they needed him?

Uh, yes. That’s no way to treat people or reindeer. Rudolph should have told them to pound sand when they came calling because they needed him and only then fully accepted him. At the very least, hold out for a raise or something. Get out of the cave and into something with some heat and a nice view of dancing penguins or something. Rudolph caved way too easily.

Issue 5: What the hell is up with the lion with the wings?

Oh, King Moonracer? Well here’s the thing, drugs are weird.

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Issue 6: I’d think that if an elf wanted to be a dentist, he’d be encouraged to do so given the heavy candy intake of the other elves.

The only things elves eat is candy – anything with sugar. You know what sugar does, kids? It effin’ rots your teeth out. Oh man, if only there was a dentist around to help these poor elves out. Oh yeah, there was, but we routinely dumped on him and sent him packing because he didn’t want to build stuffed animals. I get it, making toys is a top priority in the North Pole. Maintaining the sleigh is probably number two on the list. But I’d think that long-term sustainability and maintaining a healthy work force would be close behind and bringing in a nutritionist, physical therapist and a dentist would be incredibly beneficial. And you had a dentist right there in front of you! There’s probably an elf or two also interested in nutrition and physical therapy, but they’re too afraid to say anything. Come on North Pole. It’s called inclusion and it’s dope.

Issue 7: How long was Rudolph roaming in the wild after bailing on Dentist Elf and Yukon?

While they’re at the Island of Misfit Toys, Rudolph decides he needs to strike out on his own. He roams the North Pole for…uh, how long exactly? I’m not familiar with the growth and aging process of reindeer, but I’d think it would take at least a year for antlers to fully form. Yet they make it seem like he was out there for a few days, just kicking around, growing up and buff, growing hair in weird places and having his voice change.

Here he is when he leaves:

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And then we finally emerges from the wild:

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Seems fishy to me, as if a place where toys talk and reindeer fly might not be on the up and up.

Issue 8: I’m sorry, but Santa gaining what looks like at least 100 pounds in less than a day doesn’t seem healthy.

The threat of a snowstorm and the potential of Christmas being cancelled has ruined Santa’s appetite and he’s looking rather svelte. Yet with the realization that Rudolph isn’t a weirdo, but an asset changes all of that and in like, a day, Santa packs on at least 100 pounds. I don’t care what kind of magical world you are living, that kind of rapid weight gain is simply not healthy. I think Santa is taking his immortality for granted if you ask me.

But hey, happy holidays.

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