Because Thanksgiving is now over, because December is almost upon us, because a plump, upside down acorn-looking, Douglass fern has relegated the bambino’s swing to the basement, Christmas movies have started. The Wife, God bless her, loves all of them. I can tolerate most of them. First up was Home Alone, which is currently in it’s 25th anniversary award tour.
Twenty five effin’ years. Let that hang there for a second because it’s not like I don’t have enough daily reminders about my advancing age kicking around. I can still vaguely remember seeing Home Alone in the theater and recall how much I laughed.
Twenty five years.
It came out in 1990. Even the fact that 1990 was 25 years ago is mildly disconcerting.
Home Alone, as far as Christmas movies go, is easily one of the most tolerable, pedestrianly enjoyable ones out there. Although to be fair, watching it as a grown up, with grown up sensibilities and grown up responsibilities and a grown up view of the world, the movie definitely raises a few questions, questions that I’m sorry, are at the very least , crumbling stumbling blocks on the road to holiday movie-watching enjoyment.
For instance, what kind of line of work is Peter McCallister in? Like, is he a lawyer or something? I only ask because let’s be honest, their house is sweet and if you found yourself looking to rob a house, you’d probably be eyeing it up as well. That joint is stately. Does Kate McCallister work as well? How the heck is she pulling that off? The McCallisters have anywhere from five to ten kids, it’s hard to keep track. I’m not saying she couldn’t pull it off, just that, well on the real, there are only so many hours in the day and it’s not as if her eldest, Buzz, would be much help. Also, flying that whole crew to Paris can’t be cheap, even in the pre-9/11 days, where an additional hundred bucks or so per ticket hasn’t been added on for security. And then to not bat an eye when you need to just book a flight back to Chicago? Whatever Pops McCallister is up to, seems to be working out ok.
Also, why the hell do the McCallisters have so many mannequins?
Now as for Buzz, what the hell man? Stop being such a douche. You’re obviously over-compensating for your straight up weird physical appearance. Stop fronting like you’re king shit and be a good older brother. Also, Buzz seems to be rocking a letterman’s jacket, which makes you wonder- what the hell sport is Buzz playing and doing so at a varsity level? I bet wrestling.
Actually, the whole family should stop treating Kevin so poorly. He’s obviously an oops baby, given the perceived age gap between Kevin and his siblings. Cut him some slack for crying out loud. Not everyone can be a winner like Buzz.
As for the Wet Bandits, you guys are terrible burglars. How have you not been caught before? Also, I would think any respectable burglar would abide by two rules, both of which the Wet Bandits break.
First, take care of what you are stealing. While robbing one of the other houses on the McCallister’s street, Marv is just recklessly going along, knocking shit into his sack with a crowbar. Then he just tosses his sack in the van when they’re done. How are you going to fence any of that stuff if it’s all broken? I’m not a burglar, but I’d have to think one in such a occupation would take special care in making sure that that in which they are burglaring doesn’t get broken. Because you know, then what the hell is the point of stealing it???
Also, don’t burglars usually work at night? I know half the neighborhood is on vacation, but still, I’d exercise a little discretion. Be at least a little stealth, guys. And even if you are robbing someone at night, as they do with the McCallister’s house, maybe keep it down some. Noise travels at night. Do all kinds of yelling and whatnot and the next thing you know, you’re getting bopped in the noggin by a shovel.
Of course by that point, the Wet Bandits were most likely rocking multiple concussions. So many concussions that even the NFL might even feel compelled to intervene. Key word: might.
And I haven’t had a chance to Google this yet, but I wonder how many reports there were in the weeks following Home Alone’s release of eight year olds trying to thwart robberies via bobby traps? There had to have been some. I’d also think that Dads and Moms across the country were super stoked to find their kid trying to secure trip wire in the hallway of their home or pouring cold water on the steps on a cold night because slipping and falling is hilarious!
Hey, but I don’t want to spoil anyone’s fun. Home Alone is still a fun movie and if you’re going to watch a Christmas movie and it’s not Elf, you could do a lot worse. Maybe just check your grown up sensibilities at the door first?
You’ll be glad you did.